Side B – Seika (Part II)

Written in these walls are the stories that I can’t explain
I leave my heart open but it stays right here empty for days

She told me in the morning
She don’t feel the same about us in her bones
It seems to me that when I die
These words will be written on my stone

And I’ll be gone, gone tonight
The ground beneath my feet is open wide
The way that I’ve been holdin’ on too tight
With nothing in between

The story of my life, I take her home
I drive all night to keep her warm and time
Is frozen (the story of, the story of)
The story of my life, I give her hope
I spend her love until she’s broke, inside
The story of my life (the story of, the story of)

– One Direction –

Seika, if you’re reading this it means I’m already dead and I want you to know I’m dead.

I have loved you with all the love a heart can give. I have given you everything I could and couldn’t. I’ve given you all my heart, my entire soul. And you threw it away all the years we’ve spent together in a matter of seconds just to get together with Enrico (which is also to blame for all of this).

My blood will always be in your hands and his, I’ll make sure of that. You’ve destroyed the little hope I had in humanity.

You told me you’ve loved me but I doubt that. You don’t know what love is, you don’t know what it is to have your heart broken like you did to mine. You don’t know how to give and expect nothing in return, just for the sake of loving someone.

That’s what I did. I’ve given you everything I had in my soul and expected nothing in return. And you gave me a heartless goodbye, not even having the courage to look at my face.

You know what’s the worst part? I don’t hate you, I still love you the same way I always did all those years since we’ve met for the first time.

I wish you don’t have to go through the same things you’ve made me go through and I hope you can have a happy life. You can unblock me from everywhere now since dead people can’t type as far as I know.

You are the most beautiful, kind, gentle, moody, honest and sweet person I’ve ever met.

For the times I have lashed out at you and got angry I ask for your forgiveness, it was my illness, not me talking. I never intended to make you cry in any way. Quite the opposite, I always tried to think of ways to make you smile.

I’ll be watching over you even after everything that happened, from wherever I will be when I’m gone.

I love you still and that’s something I’ll take with me to wherever I go.

Side A – Seika (Part I)

Hannah Baker killed herself.  She used to fill her life.  She was a filling in the world.  Her desk was full the day before, now her empty desk is there, reminding everyone that she is gone.  The desk is like her life, once full, now empty.

– 13 Reasons Why –

Seika Yamashita, well, that’s heavy. That’s a name that comes with a paramount of a story. It’s the name that has put me directly in the direction of death.

We’ve met on an online language-exchange site called Japan Guide. Her nickname was attractivesnake, which I thought had something to do with Metal Gear Solid, but in the end it was only her love for snakes. She was 16 back then and I was 29 (yeah, I know, the difference is big).

We started exchanging messages through JG and then moved to an app that everyone uses in Japan, called LINE. She had the kind of personality I like: mysterious, serious and sarcastic, a bit caustic I might say. I loved every conversation.

We decided to meet in one of my favorite places in Osaka called Nakanoshima Park. The date didn’t start nor end too well. She got there late and kept blaming herself because she was late and started crying. I hugged her and tried to comfort as best as I could, but through the whole date she just wouldn’t stop crying, no matter how many times I told her everything was fine. She didn’t say a word to me the whole night. So that was our first date.

The second date went very well, she was there on time and nothing happened this time so we managed to talk and started to get to know each other better and the mood started to change between us. When the sun was just setting down we’ve had our first kiss. And that was the beginning of everything. The beginning of our relationship.

From that point on we started seeing each other regularly. She went by my place, we used to go out and eat together or simply walk around sightseeing.

We’ve had many problems with her parents not because of our age difference but because I wasn’t officially divorced yet, but we fought through it all and held on to each other strong.

Our relationship wasn’t easy sometimes, since you all know I suffer from depression, so many times I lashed out on her I argued a lot and she cried real hard. That’s something I’m not proud of and I would change if I could. I know now she was too young to handle that and I should have been the mature one to handle.

When she graduated from high school we moved together and life was great (at least for me), we had everything we needed and were finally living our old dream of living together.

Then one day something really bad happened to me in Japan, which I prefere not to mention, and we were officially apart for around 3 months. However we saw each other now and then and we were still together even though far apart. We even became engaged one of these times we’ve been together.

But then one day something changed and she blocked me everywhere, deleted all of our photos, removed me from everywhere, every social media you can imagine, even PSN.

I managed to chat with her through Instagram and she just told me out of the blue someone had asked her to date her and she accepted and that she was very happy with her new boyfriend.

I was speechless. I didn’t know what to think of all that. Then she just lashed out on me telling me I made her feel depressive and that our relationship wasn’t good at all.

In summary she just gave me back part of my stuff so I could bring them back with me to Brazil. I couldn’t stand being in Japan anymore seeing all the places we’ve been together and having all those memories, so yes, I decided to come back.

After sometime I find out she is currently dating someone I’ve helped getting a job in Japan and a work visa, someone I thought was a friend of mine.

This is the reason why my soul and heart are broken. I would never be able to trust anyone in my life and everything I had is now gone, including my life.

13 Reasons Why

You can’t rewrite the past. The past is over.  You cant go back and change it.  You cant take back things that you said, or do things you wish you had.  Once you walk away from an opportunity it is gone.  There is no changing it.  If someone had done what they thought was right in the moment, then the past would not need to be rewritten.

– 13 Reasons Why –

You may wonder about the similarities about my lost tapes and the TV Show 13 Reasons Why. It’s simple, that was my inspiration. However I’m not here to set blame on a bunch of people (although I will now and then) about my death.

Hannah’s story on the show is in no way similar to mine and neither are our lives. That point is clear. I wasn’t abused, bullied or anything like that, although many of my so-called friends turned their backs on me like in her case.

The inspiration came by the simple fact that I want to separate my life into pieces and “the tapes” were the best inspiration of all. I’ve finished watching the show by the way, so no worries about spoilers here.

There are more than 13 reasons why I’ll end my life and there will be more tapes than there are on the show.

13 Reasons Why is for me what Detachment, The Perks of Being a Wallflower or The Silver Linings Playbook were. The reality we live in, where everyone is detached from one another, where nothing makes sense and everything spirals out of control substantially fast.

So, my dear reader, the TV Show has nothing to do with my death. I just thought I should clarify that.

Side B – Cradle Of Forest

There’s something cold and blank behind her smile
She’s standing on an overpass
In her miracle mile

“You were from a perfect world
A world that threw me away today
Today to run away”

A pill to make you numb
A pill to make you dumb
A pill to make you anybody else
But all the drugs in this world
Won’t save her from herself

Her mouth was an empty cut
And she was waiting to fall
Just bleeding like a polaroid that
Lost all her dolls

– Marilyn Manson –

Side B is about the rest of my family. From both my parents’ sides.

When I was little I used to be friends with my cousins from both sides of my family. I remember very tender moments and a lot of fun as well.

Unfortunately after I’ve got to my teenage years I felt I wasn’t part of the family anymore. Yeah, I was the rock n’ roll guy, with spikes and Iron Maiden t-shirts, but I was still a person who had feelings. So every time I went to my family’s house I was always with my earphones listening to something so no one would need to bother talking to me.

I have always been the black sheep, the one that makes lots of mistakes, the stubborn one. And that never changed a bit.

I’m always hearing “You never come after us. Why?”. Well, the answer is simple, I’m sick! And sick people, specially with depression tend to isolate themselves. I ask of you how many times have YOU called me and asked “John, I’ve heard you’re going through a though time. Do you want to talk?”. I never hear that and you know what? I’ve given up hearing it for a long time.

The only thing that kept me inside my family was my mother. After she was gone, John was no more part of the family.

I’ve made my share of mistakes and still do. There are no excuses for my mistakes, but I doubt anyone who points their fingers at me are perfect and flawless.

So, family. while you were too busy with your own lives, I was drowning in my broken mind and now it’s too late to go back. I’m gone and there’s nothing you can do about it. You don’t even need to lose your time to go cry at my funeral. Keep living your lives like I’ve never existed, like it has always been.

The exceptions I make are my aunt Mine (my mother’s sister) who I love very much and had always a caring word for me and my godfather who at least tried to help me after I’ve got to back to Brazil.

Money, my dear family, may buy you wonders, but they can’t cure a broken soul.

So now, while you feast and dance, I’ll be at the cradle of the forest.

Side A – Waiting For Them

When you reach for the stars
Don’t forget who you are

And please don’t turn around and grow up way too fast
See the sand in my grasp
From the first to the last
Every grain becomes a memory of the past

When you reach for the stars
Don’t forget who you are

– Mindy Gledhill –

Tape 3, Side A is about my parents and how marvelous they were in their own ways.

I was born on June 5th, 1984 and my parents were desperate to have children but couldn’t conceive one, so they decided to adopt me back then. I was, of course a lonely child and have been raised like that.

My parents raised me the best way they could (of course they’ve spoiled me for being a lonely child) and they might have made some bad choices like never saying “no” to me, which kind of molded my character in a way. But it was the best they could do and no one has the rights to blame them for that.

They were already in an advanced age when they adopted me and were retired as well, so I had them all to myself everyday, all the time.

My father wasn’t exactly easy to handle since he was an alcoholic like most of the men of his family were, but apart from the times he got home too drunk he was a kind and the most honest man I’ve ever seen. I see myself a lot on him when it comes to personality, since differently than my mother, he was very shy and introverted. Make no mistake, I loved my father every step of the way, even with his flaws, because he was my father. The one who sat down with me to help me with homework, the one who made me a math aficionado and the one who would listen to me reading all my children’s books at his bed, even when he was tired.

Unfortunately cancer took the best part of him at some point and I saw my father becoming a different person, someone who couldn’t speak, stand up nor sit with me in bed anymore. So I did what I could, I put some old songs I knew he liked from my bedroom and I’d let him dream about the days gone by.

Until one day, when he was already hospitalized, I was laying down on the couch at home and decided to go there to visit him. He just complained he was thirsty, so I’ve soaked some cotton with water and put it against his lips. A few seconds later he took his last breaths in front of me. My father was gone.

My mother was the opposite of my father. She was always cheerful, swore a lot, had a gigantic heart and was always making everyone laugh. My friends loved her.

She was the one who would control the time I got home, who I was going out with, that sort of teenager thing I thing everyone goes through.

She did everything for me and she was lucky enough to see my son grow up for a few years and spend some time together with him.

Unfortunately cancer caught her too, but in her case it went too fast and she was moved to the ICU in a matter of two weeks. I couldn’t understand most of the things she’s said to me during her ICU period, but the ones I could would always include love.

And then, once day while I was visiting her I couldn’t take it anymore and started sobbing and asking her “What are we gonna do without you?”. She whispered something which I still don’t know what it was.

A few days later while I was at work I receive a call from the hospital asking me to go there. So there I went. My mother had passed away.

I’ve carried both my parents’ coffins when I was too young to do that, during a complicated phase in my life and it hurts until today.

I couldn’t shed a tear because of all the medication the doctors have given me but during both of my parents’ funerals I’ve made sure they were buried with my rosaries (I used to wear a white one on my left wrist and a black one on my right wrist). That was all I could do.

They were the best parents I could have and I wish I could see them again, but after taking my life I doubt I’ll go to the same place as them.

I’s strange but I’ve been waiting for them to suddenly appear around the corners every single day.

Side B – Confinement

I kill myself in small amounts
In each relationship it’s not about love
Just another funeral
And just another girl left in tears

And I’m waiting
With the sound turned off, I’m waiting
Like a glass balloon, I’m fading
Into the void and then I’m gone, I’m gone, I’m gone

– Marilyn Manson –

Side B is dedicated to my other good friends, which I can name a few, like João Gabriel, Leitão, Serjão, Luana, Érika, Erich Amaral, Aline, Livia Nali (which is also an ex-girlfriend), Samuelzinho, Vinicius Pereira, Angelita and many others I am deeply sorry but I will forget at the moment.

I just want you all to know you were always part of my memories, of my existence, and that I’ve never forgotten any of you. Also, I want you all to know there was nothing you could have done to avoid my death as well. I was too far gone and reached a point of no return.

You were always reasons for me to go to school, to laugh, to live, to go on. But I’ve reached a moment in life where all the reasons disappeared and nothing made any sense anymore, so I had to go. I am so sorry.

I’d rather go now while I am still lucid than go insane and get committed to a hospital for the rest of my life.

I also wish you all happiness, success and all realization possible in your lives. Don’t regret any single day and don’t take any day for granted. Make everyday worthwhile.

Cheers people and my goodbyes.

My mind is already gone and now I stay in deep confinement inside myself.

Side A – Pulsating Ambience

In the fallout of the wasted, in the half light
I stand before you in the last dance of an old life
Now the cool wind’s blowing and we can’t stay, but it’s alright
When the night is gone I will still be here

– Emma Hewitt –

Tape 2, Side A is dedicated to my two best friends which I know for years, Rafael and Lucas.

I’ve met Rafael when we were around 8 years old, when I was transferred to this new school (remember the story about Laura?). We didn’t become instant friends but developed a rock solid friendship throughout the following years which stands until today.

He’s more logical than me, while I am the emotional kind. And that’s how it’s always been. I’ll explain soon enough what he’s missed in all that led to my death, so stick with me here.

He’s currently married and has been helping me a lot since I came back from Japan. There would be days I would starve if it wasn’t for him. He’s even trying to help me get into a job at the same company he works at.

Now, about Lucas. He was transferred to our school when Rafael and I were on 7th grade I believe. We didn’t become friends instantly because I was on a different classroom than Rafael and him. However, as with Rafael, the friendship progressed and got strong. Specially on high school the three of us were at the same classroom and we were always together doing something that cracked a laugh from everyone. We were inseparable.

What did you two miss while I was trying to take my life you wonder?

You’ve missed how empty and broken I was, and that no matter what you did I couldn’t be fixed, my soul was done for, my heart was too far gone.

It’s not your fault, there was nothing you could have done to prevent my death from happening and I say this from the bottom of my still beating heart.

So I wish you both to live your lives fully, happily and with the joy we all three once shared together.

I still miss that pulsating ambiance of our school years and forever will.