The Sacred Line

Is it me?
This time
Am I too far?

Did I cross
That line
Getting hard to tell

– Akira Yamaoka –

I think I’ve crossed the line between sanity and insanity. My thoughts don’t make any sense at all and I don’t understand what’s happening to me.
I know betrayal and lost love cause a lot of confusion and damage, but this is different. It’s as if I look  at the mirror and don’t recognize myself any longer. What have I become? What’s going on?

My thoughts are all disconnected and it’s as if I have no more control over myself and it’s draining all my energy. I’ve started seeing shadows out of the corner of my eyes and I’ve started having horrible nightmares again.

Why does this have to happen to me? What have I done to deserve such a horrible existence?

I’m not the man I used to be anymore. The joy is gone, along with the hopes, dreams and happiness. I only see darkness now; and her face every time I close my eyes.

I think I did it, I’ve crossed the line.

This line, that can’t be broken
This line, never will be crossed again

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Hole in the Sky

Oh yeah, I’ve been here before. I can see it with eyes closed. Shadows that look like blood, dead as far as the mind goes.

Fear that comes from my head, lives in the mirror
Why won’t you let me out? Does the evil excite you?

Haven’t you had enough? Does the feeling control you?
Just when I think I’m okay shadows surround me

All of the monster you are I can feel in my head

Let me out, let me out

No more, I’m through. You win, I’m dead!
You’re sorry, sorry? No you’re a lie!

It’s over, nothing here left alive.

Let me out, let me out
Let me out, let me out, through the hole in the sky

Breeze – In Monochrome Night

It’s been four days I haven’t eaten anything now. The money is gone and even the will to eat is not there anymore. I’ve lost grasp with reality and all I think about is the end of all things.

If I had made the right choices in the past maybe my life wouldn’t be all messed up right now, but I can’t redo what’s done – it will always be there, lurking in the shadows, waiting for your mind to slip.

Last night I had a dream – it was one of the good ones – that she was with me and we were talking about trivial things and laughing. But as soon as the dream started it ended and I had that uncanny feeling of a vivid dream and found myself looking out for her, but of course she was not here.

And here I am
Watching the clock that’s ticking away my time
I’m too numb to feel right now

– The Pretty Reckless –

I’ve broken many vowels and I know I’m going to hell. I am the person that I hate. Forgive me Father, I didn’t mean to bother you. The devil is inside me Father. He’s inside of everything I do.

Father, did you miss me? Don’t ask me where I’ve been. I’m the redefinition of sin. Maybe I wish I could die. Maybe I am already dead.

Last night there was a cool and gentle breeze. But I was stuck in a monochrome night.

You’re Not Here

Today I’ve made a big mistake. I’ve created a fake Facebook account to check my ex Japanese girlfriend. I can’t describe the feelings I’ve had the minute I saw her picture there. Nad it tore my heart apart when I’ve seen the status “In a serious relationship”.

I know we’re not supposed to mess with the past, but sometimes our minds are fragile and succumb to this ravenous impulse of doing something. And that’s exactly what I did. The wound that was starting to heal teared opened again and my mind is a complete mess right now.

I have not more tears to cry, only this huge pain in my chest that resists to leave. And I curl in my bed wishing everything was different and I could go back in time, but it’s just a thought of a crazy person.

“It hurts to breathe. It hurts to live. I hate her, yet I do not think I can exist without her.”

– Charlotte Featherstone –

I should have left the past go and forget everything that once happened, even the good moments. I screwed up and now I’m stuck in this limbo without knowing what to do or how to feel.

All I know for sure is: You’re Not Here

Reality Vortex

What does it mean to be bipolar?
That’s a question I’ve been trying to answer for at least 13 years. Not the scientific approach (Wikipedia is there for that), but the reality of myself living as a bipolar.

What I found out is it sucks, and a lot. I still wonder every single day what’s worse, being a bipolar or the way most people deal with individuals with a mental illness.

“Sometimes life just seems to shatter
Like we’re made of glass”
– ATB – Made Of Glass –

The reality is people feel extremely compassionate about those who have cancer or any other kind of killer disease, but when it comes to mental illnesses the most common action is labeling us as “crazy”, “weirdos “, “strange” and so on.

I’m not anything near crazy, I assure you. I don’t run naked on the street screaming “I’m Napoleon!” nor think I’m some kind of reincarnation of Jesus Christ. No, I simply can’t control my mood shifts.

Maybe the problem is that no one wants to be near someone who’s depressed, and unfortunately, lately my depressive episodes are far longer than the maniac ones.
People just avoid the depressed, basically because they’re not interesting and the paranoia and aggressiveness scares the hell out of them. Yeah, even I get a bit scared of me when depression comes.
The fact is that even my best friends ran away when I was depressed and I don’t blame them. It must be difficult not to know what to do or say. Not that it’s a pleasant excuse for running away from a friend in need though.

If you are not bipolar or don’t have any kind of depression you might not understand or relate to what I’m saying, so let me try to clarify what it feels like to have depression.

It feels like “nothing”.

Yes, nothing. You feel empty, hollow. It comes with sadness as well, but a different kind; it’s a sadness without tangible reasons to exist; it simply exists. Depression is not sadness, it is emptiness. I cry because I feel empty, nothing feels good, nothing seems right, I don’t want to eat, smile, not even live.

The people I know can’t handle the maniac episodes as well, because instead of looking uninteresting apparently I look insane. The euphoria (also for no apparent reason) is overwhelming to them as well.

It’s been three days I don’t eat neither lunch nor dinner and no one knows about it (well, now you do). And it sucks because as much as I want to eat my body refuses to cope with me.

 

In the end it’s me, Mr. Bipolar and Lady Depression who walk together every minute, every day.

A Silent Motion of Stars

Soon, when the world ends, all the pieces that fell apart won’t matter anymore. When the lights fade away, nothing else will be left to flicker.
My memories, as time itself, will fade and cease to exist. And that last moment of hope before the storm will be only part of what used to be.

Love, oh, the most beautiful thing I found in this world. She is the radiance of life, an undefinable glimpse at the face of God. My memories of her, swirling on a on, and her face raging on my mind preventing me to go. But, the reason I once had to be no longer desires to keep me here and the hollowness takes care of my cracked heart, like a virus, spreading at each breath.

I still can see my parents’ faces, covered in shadows of years gone by. I remember their voices, asking me to be, wishing for me to love, begging me to smile. Will I see them now?

Now it’s time, to go and not regret, to fade and to forget.

I will leave, without saying goodbyes, without the deep pain of apologies. I will leave the same way I came, in a silent motion of stars.

A Tale of Memories

Long ago, when everything used to shine so bright I had a dream. A dream filled with green fields, joyful laughing and an immense feeling of peace and safety.

It made me feel warm, protected and hopeful. Hopes of years to be, people to come and moments to live. It’s been twenty years since that day and I’ve missed that dream every single day since then.

Memories are powerful tools for humanity to learn, evolve and be able to have a story. But it also can make you face the reality that sometimes you’d rather forget.

My memories are from days long gone by, dreams unfulfilled and lost hopes. Remember the dream I told you? It’s the tip of everything I wanted to be and the unfortunate reality that I can’t be.

I don’t want to be the way I am. I don’t want to feel all the things I feel about myself. But the darkness inside me won’t let me do otherwise. That invisible yet so strong force that pushes me everyday deeper into a hollowness filled only with oblivion.

This is a tale, but also a cry. A cry for help, a last resort in my efforts to maintain my existence and my sanity. Maybe it’s all in vain and no one will come to aid a dying soul, but it was worth trying.

That dream is gone now. As are everything that once shone, all the beautiful fields. The laughing gave place to tears, which eventually got replaced by emptiness and shadows.

It’s funny how we remember so vividly the laughing we once had and how everything seemed so easy and pleasant. And it’s funny how everything fades away so fast.

I wonder if some people are born only to be haunted by the invisible ghosts of time and life.

I still miss that dream. I miss feeling cared, cradled and special.

This is my story. These are my memories.