Side B – Numb

Don’t wanna hear the news
What’s going on
What’s coming through
I don’t wanna know
don’t wanna know
Just wanna hide away
make my escape
I want the world
to leave me alone
Feels like I feel too much
I’ve seen too much
For a little while
I want to forget

I wanna be numb
I don’t wanna feel this pain no more
Wanna lose touch
I just wanna go and lock the door
I don’t wanna think
I don’t wanna feel nothing
I wanna be numb
I just wanna be
wanna be numb

– Pet Shop Boys –

I wish I could feel numb, completely numb and feel nothing at all about this world. This would be a great gift.

I’ve once dreamed of finding a nice girl, having a great relationship and having a happy family for the rest of my life. But apparently the nice girls all have someone already and having a relationship these days seems an unbearable task to undertake.

The perfect example would be from my favorite movie “One Day”. I’d like a simple girl like that, without the madness of many women these days, who wishes what she can for the moment and doesn’t give up on a dream, even if it takes baby steps to achieve it.

That movie portrayed the perfect woman I wished in my life. But there’s so such woman outside the movies these days. Make no mistake, this is not only about women. Men are no better nowadays. I’m an exception for men these days, I like to be romantic, caring and help my partner however I can, even if it’s just by cooking dinner or helping doing the laundry.

There won’t be any more relationships for me since I won’t be here to try and have another go.

For now I just wish I could be numb.


Side A – Indefinite Leave to Remain

“I’m all alone again”

I walked into the room
Imagine my surprise
You were sitting close to him
Staring in each other’s eyes

Each of you looked up
But no one said a word
I felt I should apologise
For what I hadn’t heard

A silence filled the room
Awkward as an elephant
In the crowded court of your love
I was now a supplicant

And clumsy as I felt
At stumbling on this theft
To save further embarrassment
I made my excuses and left

So long ago
I felt like such a fool
For crying
All that I know
Is when you feel inside
You’re dying
It all begins again
Your excuses

– Pet Shop Boys –

I don’t know which comes first, the pain of being betrayed or being dumped like trash. Both are equally painful and cause a lost of mess and breaking downs.

My life these past 6 months have been a hell, a nightmare I don’t wish for my worst enemy. The disillusion of a lost relationship you’ve put so much effort in, the heartbreak of a betrayal and the dwelling into the deepest well of depression. It’s killing me slowly anyway, so that’s why I’d rather go while I’m still conscious.

Even being too young to understand, Seika was my rock, the thing that kept me from falling from the edge of the world. Of course my son was my rock as well, but I wouldn’t be able to talk to him about what was going on with his father since he’s too young to understand most aspects of adulthood.

Today is one of those days that the clouds refuse to let the sun shine, a perfect day for an ending, but still, it won’t be today yet. Not today.

My depression is worsening and no medication seem to help in any way. Therapists have a long waiting list and I’d probably be scheduled 6 months from now, which would be too late.

I can’t control my sobbing anymore, when I go to bed and just lie down and cry, feeling the whole world has abandoned me. I have nothing left to lose, it’s just the simple fact of writing these lost tapes that keeps me going. I need to finish these before I go, it’s my sole duty.

I wish my body would just give up once and for all, but for some awful fate it refuses to give up.

It feels I have an indefinite leave to remain, which gives me the chills.