Side B – Half a Year

There she goes in front of me
Take my life and set me free again
We’ll make a memory out of it
Holy road is at my back
Don’t look on, take me back again
We’ll make a memory out of it

We finally fall apart and we break each other’s hearts
If we wanna live young, love, we better start today

It’s gotta get easier, oh easier somehow
‘Cause I’m falling, I’m falling
Oh easier and easier somehow
Oh I’m calling, I’m calling
And it isn’t over, unless it is over
I don’t wanna wait for that
It’s gotta get easier and easier somehow
But not today
Not today

– Imagine Dragons –

It’s been half a year you’ve left me for someone else, Seika. It should be getting easier somehow, but it isn’t. It’s only getting harder to hold myself together.

This is one of those times I try not to blame you for anything but everything that comes out of my mouth are accusations, so I’m trying real hard here not to blame you for anything.

It’s been half a year and I still can’t understand how someone can leave someone else in a snap of a finger and be with someone else practically the next minute. It must be easier for you to do this. I just can’t, my heart wouldn’t allow me to hurt someone this way.

The worst part of it all is that I know I’m the only one who still has some memory of our relationship. Because that’s the way you are, you move on like a train and simply leave all the destruction behind without caring about the consequences. And in our case the consequences are too big for you to handle and also you can’t pull the breaks anymore.

Don’t look away, picture my face, picture me in front of you as you read through all these texts because I want you to know what you really have caused. It’s gonna get easier to live with the idea I’ve killed myself and you had the biggest part on it, but it’s gonna get easier, it’s gonna get easier somehow, but not today.

You were once my angel, today you’re my demon. The one who’s gonna get me away from this world. Once there was an angel, but this angel has fallen.

Yeah, half a year is such a long time.

Side A – Ana’s Singularity

We’ve been searching for so long
To find the place where we could belong
We always dreamed of better things to come
And turned our faces towards the sun
We follow the light that we see in the dark
And keep on going till it catches spark
I believe there’s a change to come
We’ll never know if we never run

And all the signs are surfacing
Now again on the winding road

Don’t turn around we’re going one way
The time is right we’re going home
And now you’re in my mind always
Forever young and forever on

– Emma Hewitt –

Ana Paula, one of the names that brings a turmoil of feelings. I was with my school trip and I guess I was around 16 or almost 17 at that time. We’ve met by accident in a theme park here in São Paulo and by a leap of faith I gave her a teddy bear she thought was cute.

We lived in different cities, far away from each other and before we’ve left I managed to get one single kiss and her phone number.

Oh, how great were the conversations over the phone! They were about everything and nothing at all. There was nothing we wouldn’t talk about. But there was a problem; the phone bills were getting too expensive and so my parents decided to block phone calls to outside my city area.

That’s when we’ve lost contact. It tore my heart apart. I’ve lost not only my only confident but the woman I was getting in love with. After that my teenage years changed dramatically, and not for the better.

I was lost without those calls, without that voice, without the feeling of someone wanting to really talk to me and understand how I felt.

Many years later, with the advent of Facebook we’ve found each other again, both married, still living in different and far away cities but the conversations weren’t the same anymore. Each of us had parted ways and lived a different life of that which could have been.

Some more years passed and we’re both divorced, the conversations start again, but somethings have changed. She believes in me, she trusts I can get better, but I don’t. I like her too much and I don’t want to talk to her about this emptiness and sorrow I’ve been holding. I want her to be happy, because it seems she’s being happy.

I wish I could turn back time on those teenage conversations and keep them going. Maybe things would have been different in my life and maybe, just maybe, I would believe I could be saved.

She’s a very special person and one of a kind. Always there, even when it doesn’t look like it, she’s keeping an eye on me.

I wish I was there with her, I wish I believed in my salvation as she does, I wish I could be the one for her. I want her to remember the one I used to be, not what I’ve become.

I know today she was the one. The right one. But unfortunately there’s nothing left for me to do about it anymore. 

But you know, no matter what happens, there will always be something about her, a singularity of some sort.