Side B – Seika (Part II)

Written in these walls are the stories that I can’t explain
I leave my heart open but it stays right here empty for days

She told me in the morning
She don’t feel the same about us in her bones
It seems to me that when I die
These words will be written on my stone

And I’ll be gone, gone tonight
The ground beneath my feet is open wide
The way that I’ve been holdin’ on too tight
With nothing in between

The story of my life, I take her home
I drive all night to keep her warm and time
Is frozen (the story of, the story of)
The story of my life, I give her hope
I spend her love until she’s broke, inside
The story of my life (the story of, the story of)

– One Direction –

Seika, if you’re reading this it means I’m already dead and I want you to know I’m dead.

I have loved you with all the love a heart can give. I have given you everything I could and couldn’t. I’ve given you all my heart, my entire soul. And you threw it away all the years we’ve spent together in a matter of seconds just to get together with Enrico (which is also to blame for all of this).

My blood will always be in your hands and his, I’ll make sure of that. You’ve destroyed the little hope I had in humanity.

You told me you’ve loved me but I doubt that. You don’t know what love is, you don’t know what it is to have your heart broken like you did to mine. You don’t know how to give and expect nothing in return, just for the sake of loving someone.

That’s what I did. I’ve given you everything I had in my soul and expected nothing in return. And you gave me a heartless goodbye, not even having the courage to look at my face.

You know what’s the worst part? I don’t hate you, I still love you the same way I always did all those years since we’ve met for the first time.

I wish you don’t have to go through the same things you’ve made me go through and I hope you can have a happy life. You can unblock me from everywhere now since dead people can’t type as far as I know.

You are the most beautiful, kind, gentle, moody, honest and sweet person I’ve ever met.

For the times I have lashed out at you and got angry I ask for your forgiveness, it was my illness, not me talking. I never intended to make you cry in any way. Quite the opposite, I always tried to think of ways to make you smile.

I’ll be watching over you even after everything that happened, from wherever I will be when I’m gone.

I love you still and that’s something I’ll take with me to wherever I go.


Side A – Seika (Part I)

Hannah Baker killed herself.  She used to fill her life.  She was a filling in the world.  Her desk was full the day before, now her empty desk is there, reminding everyone that she is gone.  The desk is like her life, once full, now empty.

– 13 Reasons Why –

Seika Yamashita, well, that’s heavy. That’s a name that comes with a paramount of a story. It’s the name that has put me directly in the direction of death.

We’ve met on an online language-exchange site called Japan Guide. Her nickname was attractivesnake, which I thought had something to do with Metal Gear Solid, but in the end it was only her love for snakes. She was 16 back then and I was 29 (yeah, I know, the difference is big).

We started exchanging messages through JG and then moved to an app that everyone uses in Japan, called LINE. She had the kind of personality I like: mysterious, serious and sarcastic, a bit caustic I might say. I loved every conversation.

We decided to meet in one of my favorite places in Osaka called Nakanoshima Park. The date didn’t start nor end too well. She got there late and kept blaming herself because she was late and started crying. I hugged her and tried to comfort as best as I could, but through the whole date she just wouldn’t stop crying, no matter how many times I told her everything was fine. She didn’t say a word to me the whole night. So that was our first date.

The second date went very well, she was there on time and nothing happened this time so we managed to talk and started to get to know each other better and the mood started to change between us. When the sun was just setting down we’ve had our first kiss. And that was the beginning of everything. The beginning of our relationship.

From that point on we started seeing each other regularly. She went by my place, we used to go out and eat together or simply walk around sightseeing.

We’ve had many problems with her parents not because of our age difference but because I wasn’t officially divorced yet, but we fought through it all and held on to each other strong.

Our relationship wasn’t easy sometimes, since you all know I suffer from depression, so many times I lashed out on her I argued a lot and she cried real hard. That’s something I’m not proud of and I would change if I could. I know now she was too young to handle that and I should have been the mature one to handle.

When she graduated from high school we moved together and life was great (at least for me), we had everything we needed and were finally living our old dream of living together.

Then one day something really bad happened to me in Japan, which I prefere not to mention, and we were officially apart for around 3 months. However we saw each other now and then and we were still together even though far apart. We even became engaged one of these times we’ve been together.

But then one day something changed and she blocked me everywhere, deleted all of our photos, removed me from everywhere, every social media you can imagine, even PSN.

I managed to chat with her through Instagram and she just told me out of the blue someone had asked her to date her and she accepted and that she was very happy with her new boyfriend.

I was speechless. I didn’t know what to think of all that. Then she just lashed out on me telling me I made her feel depressive and that our relationship wasn’t good at all.

In summary she just gave me back part of my stuff so I could bring them back with me to Brazil. I couldn’t stand being in Japan anymore seeing all the places we’ve been together and having all those memories, so yes, I decided to come back.

After sometime I find out she is currently dating someone I’ve helped getting a job in Japan and a work visa, someone I thought was a friend of mine.

This is the reason why my soul and heart are broken. I would never be able to trust anyone in my life and everything I had is now gone, including my life.