Side B – Cradle Of Forest

There’s something cold and blank behind her smile
She’s standing on an overpass
In her miracle mile

“You were from a perfect world
A world that threw me away today
Today to run away”

A pill to make you numb
A pill to make you dumb
A pill to make you anybody else
But all the drugs in this world
Won’t save her from herself

Her mouth was an empty cut
And she was waiting to fall
Just bleeding like a polaroid that
Lost all her dolls

– Marilyn Manson –

Side B is about the rest of my family. From both my parents’ sides.

When I was little I used to be friends with my cousins from both sides of my family. I remember very tender moments and a lot of fun as well.

Unfortunately after I’ve got to my teenage years I felt I wasn’t part of the family anymore. Yeah, I was the rock n’ roll guy, with spikes and Iron Maiden t-shirts, but I was still a person who had feelings. So every time I went to my family’s house I was always with my earphones listening to something so no one would need to bother talking to me.

I have always been the black sheep, the one that makes lots of mistakes, the stubborn one. And that never changed a bit.

I’m always hearing “You never come after us. Why?”. Well, the answer is simple, I’m sick! And sick people, specially with depression tend to isolate themselves. I ask of you how many times have YOU called me and asked “John, I’ve heard you’re going through a though time. Do you want to talk?”. I never hear that and you know what? I’ve given up hearing it for a long time.

The only thing that kept me inside my family was my mother. After she was gone, John was no more part of the family.

I’ve made my share of mistakes and still do. There are no excuses for my mistakes, but I doubt anyone who points their fingers at me are perfect and flawless.

So, family. while you were too busy with your own lives, I was drowning in my broken mind and now it’s too late to go back. I’m gone and there’s nothing you can do about it. You don’t even need to lose your time to go cry at my funeral. Keep living your lives like I’ve never existed, like it has always been.

The exceptions I make are my aunt Mine (my mother’s sister) who I love very much and had always a caring word for me and my godfather who at least tried to help me after I’ve got to back to Brazil.

Money, my dear family, may buy you wonders, but they can’t cure a broken soul.

So now, while you feast and dance, I’ll be at the cradle of the forest.

Side A – Waiting For Them

When you reach for the stars
Don’t forget who you are

And please don’t turn around and grow up way too fast
See the sand in my grasp
From the first to the last
Every grain becomes a memory of the past

When you reach for the stars
Don’t forget who you are

– Mindy Gledhill –

Tape 3, Side A is about my parents and how marvelous they were in their own ways.

I was born on June 5th, 1984 and my parents were desperate to have children but couldn’t conceive one, so they decided to adopt me back then. I was, of course a lonely child and have been raised like that.

My parents raised me the best way they could (of course they’ve spoiled me for being a lonely child) and they might have made some bad choices like never saying “no” to me, which kind of molded my character in a way. But it was the best they could do and no one has the rights to blame them for that.

They were already in an advanced age when they adopted me and were retired as well, so I had them all to myself everyday, all the time.

My father wasn’t exactly easy to handle since he was an alcoholic like most of the men of his family were, but apart from the times he got home too drunk he was a kind and the most honest man I’ve ever seen. I see myself a lot on him when it comes to personality, since differently than my mother, he was very shy and introverted. Make no mistake, I loved my father every step of the way, even with his flaws, because he was my father. The one who sat down with me to help me with homework, the one who made me a math aficionado and the one who would listen to me reading all my children’s books at his bed, even when he was tired.

Unfortunately cancer took the best part of him at some point and I saw my father becoming a different person, someone who couldn’t speak, stand up nor sit with me in bed anymore. So I did what I could, I put some old songs I knew he liked from my bedroom and I’d let him dream about the days gone by.

Until one day, when he was already hospitalized, I was laying down on the couch at home and decided to go there to visit him. He just complained he was thirsty, so I’ve soaked some cotton with water and put it against his lips. A few seconds later he took his last breaths in front of me. My father was gone.

My mother was the opposite of my father. She was always cheerful, swore a lot, had a gigantic heart and was always making everyone laugh. My friends loved her.

She was the one who would control the time I got home, who I was going out with, that sort of teenager thing I thing everyone goes through.

She did everything for me and she was lucky enough to see my son grow up for a few years and spend some time together with him.

Unfortunately cancer caught her too, but in her case it went too fast and she was moved to the ICU in a matter of two weeks. I couldn’t understand most of the things she’s said to me during her ICU period, but the ones I could would always include love.

And then, once day while I was visiting her I couldn’t take it anymore and started sobbing and asking her “What are we gonna do without you?”. She whispered something which I still don’t know what it was.

A few days later while I was at work I receive a call from the hospital asking me to go there. So there I went. My mother had passed away.

I’ve carried both my parents’ coffins when I was too young to do that, during a complicated phase in my life and it hurts until today.

I couldn’t shed a tear because of all the medication the doctors have given me but during both of my parents’ funerals I’ve made sure they were buried with my rosaries (I used to wear a white one on my left wrist and a black one on my right wrist). That was all I could do.

They were the best parents I could have and I wish I could see them again, but after taking my life I doubt I’ll go to the same place as them.

I’s strange but I’ve been waiting for them to suddenly appear around the corners every single day.