Side B – Confinement

I kill myself in small amounts
In each relationship it’s not about love
Just another funeral
And just another girl left in tears

And I’m waiting
With the sound turned off, I’m waiting
Like a glass balloon, I’m fading
Into the void and then I’m gone, I’m gone, I’m gone

– Marilyn Manson –

Side B is dedicated to my other good friends, which I can name a few, like João Gabriel, Leitão, Serjão, Luana, Érika, Erich Amaral, Aline, Livia Nali (which is also an ex-girlfriend), Samuelzinho, Vinicius Pereira, Angelita and many others I am deeply sorry but I will forget at the moment.

I just want you all to know you were always part of my memories, of my existence, and that I’ve never forgotten any of you. Also, I want you all to know there was nothing you could have done to avoid my death as well. I was too far gone and reached a point of no return.

You were always reasons for me to go to school, to laugh, to live, to go on. But I’ve reached a moment in life where all the reasons disappeared and nothing made any sense anymore, so I had to go. I am so sorry.

I’d rather go now while I am still lucid than go insane and get committed to a hospital for the rest of my life.

I also wish you all happiness, success and all realization possible in your lives. Don’t regret any single day and don’t take any day for granted. Make everyday worthwhile.

Cheers people and my goodbyes.

My mind is already gone and now I stay in deep confinement inside myself.

Side A – Pulsating Ambience

In the fallout of the wasted, in the half light
I stand before you in the last dance of an old life
Now the cool wind’s blowing and we can’t stay, but it’s alright
When the night is gone I will still be here

– Emma Hewitt –

Tape 2, Side A is dedicated to my two best friends which I know for years, Rafael and Lucas.

I’ve met Rafael when we were around 8 years old, when I was transferred to this new school (remember the story about Laura?). We didn’t become instant friends but developed a rock solid friendship throughout the following years which stands until today.

He’s more logical than me, while I am the emotional kind. And that’s how it’s always been. I’ll explain soon enough what he’s missed in all that led to my death, so stick with me here.

He’s currently married and has been helping me a lot since I came back from Japan. There would be days I would starve if it wasn’t for him. He’s even trying to help me get into a job at the same company he works at.

Now, about Lucas. He was transferred to our school when Rafael and I were on 7th grade I believe. We didn’t become friends instantly because I was on a different classroom than Rafael and him. However, as with Rafael, the friendship progressed and got strong. Specially on high school the three of us were at the same classroom and we were always together doing something that cracked a laugh from everyone. We were inseparable.

What did you two miss while I was trying to take my life you wonder?

You’ve missed how empty and broken I was, and that no matter what you did I couldn’t be fixed, my soul was done for, my heart was too far gone.

It’s not your fault, there was nothing you could have done to prevent my death from happening and I say this from the bottom of my still beating heart.

So I wish you both to live your lives fully, happily and with the joy we all three once shared together.

I still miss that pulsating ambiance of our school years and forever will.