Side B – Drops Of Shame

We’ll build our fortress
To keep them out
And in a world gone silent
I’ll be your sound

Meet me tonight here
I know we’re gonna run away
Leaving the old fear
Looking for a new place

I can feel a storm near
The dream won’t go away
So meet me tonight dear
And we’ll run into a new day

– Emma Hewitt –

Side B is more focused on my marriage to Flávia, my ex-wife. It’s kind of a long story that is interlaced with my first love.

We’ve also met online, if I’m not mistaken (my memory tends to fail me now) around New Years Eve through the good old ICQ, when we were around 13 or 14 I believe.
We became good friends fast and actually met offline, but because of the turmoil of my first love it didn’t work somehow. I was also too rebellious back then and didn’t take anything serious.

After many years we’ve met again and this time things seemed to go alright and my past trauma seemed far behind me. We’ve had fun, had many friends and spent a long time together. We’ve had our fair share of arguments about useless stuff such as religion (she’s a Methodist and I’m a Catholic), but after some time things seemed to settle down.

From all the girlfriends I’ve had she is the one I have to thank the most. She was there for me when my father was diagnosed and passed alway from lung cancer, she’s given birth to my most precious thing, my son. And she was there for me as well when my mother was also diagnosed and passed away because of cancer.

We’ve had our ups and downs as all couples do, but we were happy in general. We were a family.

Even after some terrible things that happened to me in Japan after our divorce, she was also trying to support me from afar.

In summary, this is more of a “thank you” post than a story telling one.

If I could go back in time I’d change many things I’ve said and done, oh, how many. I wasn’t even able to be there for her when her mother passed away and that breaks my heart.

I wish you the happiest days of your life, alongside Pedro and the man you choose to be with you. I really wish I could have been a better husband and father.

However, after what I did to you and what I’ve turned your life into I have nothing in my eyes except drops of shame.

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Side A – Nightmarish Waltz

Sparkling day [x2]
Things I never said
Some things you never heard
Sparkling day [x2]
Now I wait in vain to see
That there was no message from me

– Elvis Costello –

Hello. Yes, it’s me, John. Still alive and breathing while writing these tapes.

Tape A is pretty much about how I’ve turned from the best to the worst father in the world. It also relates to a part of my marriage.

My ex-wife and I got our baby on October 11th, 2007. His name is Pedro and he has always been the most precious thing in the world to me. Always making me laugh and always being my partner in crime (specially videogames).

He grew up mostly being taken care by me, my mother and my ex-mother-in-law since my ex-wife had to travel a lot because of work (she was a sales representative for pharmaceutical companies) and that made our bond strong, really strong. Everything was about us being together doing what we had to do.

Then on 2013 we’ve all moved to Japan because of a job opportunity I’ve had there. And that was when things started to change. I started to get stressed because of work, my ex-wife was always thinking I had an affair with someone and the arguments started nonstop.

After a few months our marriage was in shambles and divorce was inevitable. However I could and should have taken the process through a different approach and let them both remain in Japan.

However, by then I had already met Seika and I was blinded by everything and decided to proceed with the divorce process. That was my biggest mistake.

After a few years, as you all are well aware, Seika broke up our engagement like I was a dog. She treated me like I never existed in her life.

That’s when I came back to Brazil and since then have been trying to get a new job, a new life and trying to restructure my mind and my heart. No need to say, every effort have been worthless so far.

And the worst part is that because of how sick I am I can’t get closer to my son as I once was and the fact that we were apart for years hasn’t helped as well. That’s destroying me, because no matter how hard I try I don’t know how to change and I’m scared.

I know my son will forget me one day (that’s already happening) and I can’t help it. I can’t offer him anything since I’m completely broke. I have to depend on my two close friends for food so I can live by and that’s also killing me.

I won’t be here for long as things are going and I hope one day he may forgive me for what I’ll soon do to myself and understand how much love was here inside of me.

Meanwhile I keep dancing alone this nightmarish waltz.