We’ve been searching for so long
To find the place where we could belong
We always dreamed of better things to come
And turned our faces towards the sun
We follow the light that we see in the dark
And keep on going till it catches spark
I believe there’s a change to come
We’ll never know if we never run
And all the signs are surfacing
Now again on the winding road
Don’t turn around we’re going one way
The time is right we’re going home
And now you’re in my mind always
Forever young and forever on
– Emma Hewitt –
Ana Paula, one of the names that brings a turmoil of feelings. I was with my school trip and I guess I was around 16 or almost 17 at that time. We’ve met by accident in a theme park here in São Paulo and by a leap of faith I gave her a teddy bear she thought was cute.
We lived in different cities, far away from each other and before we’ve left I managed to get one single kiss and her phone number.
Oh, how great were the conversations over the phone! They were about everything and nothing at all. There was nothing we wouldn’t talk about. But there was a problem; the phone bills were getting too expensive and so my parents decided to block phone calls to outside my city area.
That’s when we’ve lost contact. It tore my heart apart. I’ve lost not only my only confident but the woman I was getting in love with. After that my teenage years changed dramatically, and not for the better.
I was lost without those calls, without that voice, without the feeling of someone wanting to really talk to me and understand how I felt.
Many years later, with the advent of Facebook we’ve found each other again, both married, still living in different and far away cities but the conversations weren’t the same anymore. Each of us had parted ways and lived a different life of that which could have been.
Some more years passed and we’re both divorced, the conversations start again, but somethings have changed. She believes in me, she trusts I can get better, but I don’t. I like her too much and I don’t want to talk to her about this emptiness and sorrow I’ve been holding. I want her to be happy, because it seems she’s being happy.
I wish I could turn back time on those teenage conversations and keep them going. Maybe things would have been different in my life and maybe, just maybe, I would believe I could be saved.
She’s a very special person and one of a kind. Always there, even when it doesn’t look like it, she’s keeping an eye on me.
I wish I was there with her, I wish I believed in my salvation as she does, I wish I could be the one for her. I want her to remember the one I used to be, not what I’ve become.
I know today she was the one. The right one. But unfortunately there’s nothing left for me to do about it anymore.
But you know, no matter what happens, there will always be something about her, a singularity of some sort.