Silent Circus

Lithium, don’t want to lock me up inside
Lithium, don’t want to forget how it feels without
Lithium, I want to stay in love with my sorrow
Oh, but, God, I want to let it go

– Evanescence –

The best thing that happened in my life was the birth of my baby boy, Pedro. It was on October 11th, 2007 and I still remember how anxious I was, walking around from one side of the room to the other like crazy.

When the time came I thought it would take hours and hours of labour inside the surgery room, but it was actually pretty fast and as soon as I’ve blinked I was holding my son in my arms. It was a unique sensation, a feeling of wholeness, of completeness. I’ve never had a similar sensation before or after that moment.

I just wanted to keep registered here how happy my son has made me. How much joy he’s brought into this life of mine. Always happy, always shinning and full of energy, no matter what was the situation.

He is a very special child, those one in a million kind of children, who irradiate light and gentleness everywhere he goes. That’s why no matter where he is everyone likes him.

His face is identical to mine, like an exact copy. But the inside couldn’t be more different. I’m filled with darkness, hatred and anger; those sentiments that have no place inside his heart and never will. He is too good for that.

But unfortunately his father got very sick, to a point he can no longer function like a good father. I’ve got to a point of numbness that feels like my whole body has been under anesthesia.

My son, this is my most caring, gentle and joyful memory in life. You.

Now, I’ll just go back to my silent circus.


Shattered Memories

In your mind’s eye lives a memory
Hard to find, blinded by sorrow
And a strange voice sings a melody
Hear it sing, hell frozen rain falls down

Everything is wrong
This is not my home, is it?
Do I know your face?
Does my mind wish to forget?

A toast to lonely souls
Who never could take control of life
And all the missing we love
I hope the darkness they find will give them light

– Akira Yamaoka –

I’ve been struggling with my life lately and you (if you’ve been following my posts) must know about it. But my struggles started long, long ago, when I was just a teenager. After losing both Laura and Julia it seems something has cracked inside my heart. I’ve never felt the same again and still don’t.

I’ve found out after my sudden breakup with my first love that I suffered from depression and that’s when this carrousel of nightmares has begun. Nothing could keep my mood in order, no medication, no therapy, no friendship, nothing.

I’ve started losing control of my life at that exact time. And it has molded me the way I am now: deep depressed, self-destructive and suicidal.

There were two events that culminated on the worsen of my state. The death of both my parents. I’m a lonely child and I had to carry the weight of their coffins when I was too young to bare it.

The only good thing in the amidst of all this chaos was the birth of my baby boy, Pedro. He is the only light that keeps shinning amongst so much darkness inside my soul. The day he was born my mother was still alive (she died when he was around 4 years old) and I could see the happiness in her eyes and my life suddenly was filled with joy just by holding him.

My father never got to know him. He has died months before my son was born, on December 16, 2006. My son was born on October 11, 2007.

But I can’t even be a good father right now. I’m so sick, so tired, so broken, but I’ll touch on that subject in another post.

My parents’ deaths had an astronomic impact on me, since my family and I never got along very well. My mother was the one who kept everything in line and held everything together.

Now you know a bit more about the man behind the screen, there’s no mask to be wore by me here because I have nothing left to lose.

These are some of the shattered memories of my life.

Julia’s Theme

Not a sound from the pavement
Has the moon lost her memory
She is smiling alone
In the lamplight
The withered leaves collect at my feet
And the wind begins to moan
All alone in the moonlight
I can smile happy your days (I can dream of the old days)
Life was beautiful then
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again
Every street lamp seems to beat
A fatalistic warning
Someone mutters and the street lamp gutters
And soon it will be morning
I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of a new life
And I mustn’t give in
When the dawn comes
Tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin

– Barbra Streisand –

I’ve had a great friend in school called Julia. We’ve studied together for probably 8 years. She was much smarter than me, she was beautiful and irradiated good vibrations everywhere. I guess she knew, but I had a big crush on her since I can remember, but I’ve never said anything directly about it.

We were happy as teenagers (which is getting rarer nowadays) and had lots of fun and laughs. She was an extremely funny girl and could make me laugh no matter how tough my situation was at the moment. That’s something only her and Laura have been able to do in my life.

I don’t quite remember but I believe she had to be transferred to another school on high school, so we got separated. I felt the hit pretty hard; my days were gloomy, my sense of humor suddenly faded away and I became more distant and rebel.

With the advent of Facebook it got easier to find people with whom you’ve studied with and, oh God, how I’ve looked for her. Until I’ve found a group made by our classmates. What I’ve read there shocked me and brought me to my knees.

Julia and her sister had died in a car accident.

For you reader, you can’t grasp the suffocating sensation that took over my whole body. I’ve lost control and started sobbed uncontrollably. I’ve lost the second best friend in life to a tragedy. Why? Why them and not me? I’d trade places with Laura and Julia in a second if I could instead of having to live with this feeling of helplessness and misery.

Laura (if you’ve been reading my posts you know who she is by now) was by far the most important person I’ve met, but Julia was something special, she made my teenage years easy and happy no matter what. Just by looking at her my day would lighten up and it was like a new day had begun.

There’s not a single day I don’t think about Laura and I often see myself thinking about Julia and how her life was ripped apart so suddenly and so tragic, while my useless life keeps moving on.

“Memory” is the name of the song in the quotes from this post. It was one of my parents’ favorite song.

I will take it with all due respect and make it, just for today, Julia’s Theme.

The First Kiss

Teach me passion for I fear it’s gone
Show me love, hold the lorn
So much more I wanted to give to the ones who love me
I’m sorry
Time will tell (this bitter farewell)
I live no more to shame nor me nor you

And you, I wish I didn’t feel for you anymore

– Nightwish –

I feel the need to keep writing, so I decided to create this new category, ” Into this Life”. This will be reserved for the essencial moments of my past long gone, not my recent life events.

I’ve had, like everyone, a first love. Her name was Vanessa and as everyone who’s had a first love knows, it’s something you never forget it, no matter how painful it was.
She had long black hair, brown eyes, a skin that looked like porcelain and a smile that would take my breath away.

We’ve met when we were 14 in an online chatroom (when they weren’t the focus of just porn) and we’ve decided to meet in a costume party. She was dressed as the devil and I was The Crow. We had a lot of fun at that particular party.

We decided to meet again in a nightclub. Somehow she knew a friend who knew someone who would put us in (we were underage back then). That was the most amazing party I’ve had and we laughed, talked, kissed and that went through the whole night. Then we’ve said bye.

And that’s the last time we’ve talked to each other. I still don’t know what happened, what went wrong, what I did wrong, I simply don’t know. I’ve tried reaching to her friends with no success either. And that was the end of my first relationship.

It got to me and to be completely honest it still does. I don’t know, when it comes to first love the deception, the pain and the suffering seems to be multiplied by a million.

I still remember it as if it was yesterday. That was my first kiss.

The Memory of Laura

Life it seems to fade away
Drifting further everyday
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

– Metallica –

I’m here in this monotone and monochrome night, starring at the sky, the moon shinning high and my life passes in front of me as if in a movie. The flashbacks of days and people gone by slicing my soul and bringing tears to my eyes again.

I’ve grown and became an adult. Oh, how I miss my childhood years, when everything was so simple and the joy was everywhere to be found. The truth and honesty of friendships, the games we used to play, the hide and seek, the laughter and the sparkles that came with them. But I’m an adult now and those days are gone now, so are the joy, the friendships, the laughters. And the sparkles ceased to exist.

Sitting here while I stare at my notebook screen I wonder what is the purpose of still being here, the purpose of existing still. Is it love? Is it hope? Is it faith? I don’t know what still holds me onto this life otherwise I would have already cut through it to end it all. I simply don’t know what keeps me going. Maybe it’s the fear of what’s to come after I’m gone. Will I just disappear? Is there another life? Am I going to hell? Will I meet God Himself at last to sort my life out?

I can only state the obvious, I’m sad, but the kind of sadness I’ve never felt before. This is a first timer. It’s rooted in my heart and won’t let go no matter what. I can’t sleep, I have nothing else to do besides writing this and this feeling of anguish is becoming overwhelming.

There was a girl I used to know when I was little, her name was Laura. I can still remember us playing games together. Her long black hair waving across the wind, her bright and beautiful light brown eyes shinning when she finally caught me on hide and seek. We weren’t exactly the first lovers of each other (many thought of us that way though), but I can assure we were the very best friends one could wish for life.

Then one day I was transferred from schools and we never met again.

I still remember many years later my mother sitting in my bed and telling me: ” Son, I’m so sorry but you remember Laura, right? Unfortunately she has passed away. I’m so sorry.”. Apparently she had leukemia and lost her battle to it when she was 13. Oh, how I miss Laura’s smile right now.

I don’t even know where she is buried so I could at least bring her some flowers on days like these, when the moon refuses to stop shinning and missing her seems unbearable.

This is my memory. My memory of Laura.