Into The Depths Of Self-Discovery

You lie, silent there before me.
Your tears, they mean nothing to me,
The wind howling at the window,
The love you never gave,
I give to you,
Really don’t deserve it,
But now, there’s nothing you can do.
So sleep, in your only memory of me

– Akira Yamaoka –

This in category-order based on my “Endings and Continuations” category is my last post. This is where you get to know how and when I did it. The day I left this dark world behind me.

This is one of the same and typical days, monotonous and with nothing to do besides keep looking for a job and feeling helpless. But something is different today, I can feel that the emptiness that was there before has completely taken over, it’s overwhelming and it brings me down hard. I can’t breath, I can’t feel my hands nor my feet.

Everything seems to have lost its meaning and sense. There’s nothing left inside me, everything has vanished, all the feelings, the memories, the thoughts, the control over myself.

As best as I can I go to the bathroom hugging the walls and I sit on the cold floor with a knife in my hands. Part of the control over my thoughts come back to me and I let the knife loose and it falls to the floor.

But then it comes back to me all the sad memories. all the sad moments my mind tried to block and I suddenly lose all control again.

I get the knife back, press it against my wrist skin as it turns porcelain white, but I keep hesitating for some reason. Until the overwhelming emptiness comes back again. I press the knife harder until the skin breaks loose and drops of blood start to spill.

My mind goes out of control and I start a vertical cut and it the red line grows in length, until it’s good enough.

Then as best as I can I start the same process on my other wrist, although my right arm is getting numb and weak by the second. I eventually manage to make the second vertical line, this time on my right wrist.

What I feel for the next few minutes is my heartbeat. I can feel and hear it as loud as a drum. Then comes the numbness of my extremities. I can’t feel my hands or feet.

The next feeling is the sense of fading away (as when we are getting extremely sleepy) and I start to black out and lose completely control of my body. I’m just standing there, still, motionless, without any sign of reaction.

And then comes the moment my mind is simply not there anymore, my body lies lifeless over a giant pool of red blood. This is how I die.

You may be wondering when it happens. Well, suffice to say it’s before the beginning of May, 2017. No one will know, except me, because I want it to be a surprise. A last magic trick by me, my only self.

I was just getting into the depths of my self-discovery when I completely lost control over everything.

There will be a few posts chronologically after this that will deal with the people directly and indirectly responsible for my death. Everyone will be held accountable, name by name.

Farewell and I hope you have gotten yourself a bit of experience by reading the story of what my life was.


Traversing The Portals Of Reality

My God is better than yours
And the walls of my house are so thick
I hear nothing at all

I followed you out in the storm
But it carried you off
And I burned every picture of yours
Was that not enough?

My gun is bigger than yours
So let’s arm the masses
And see what the bastards do then
Walking tall once set us apart
Now we’re down on all fours
Do you cry my name in the dark
Like I do yours?

These storms are getting stronger now
Trusses all bend and sway
Lightning hits, the power goes out in the fray
As the waves crash high
And the shoreline disappears
I will scream to the sky
“Hey, people live here.”

– Rise Against –

I’m officially doomed and done. Things have been getting worse and worse each passing day. I haven’t been eating at all, I’m all out of cigarettes and my mind is in a complete confusion, not to say delusion.

I’m not sure how many more of these posts I’ll be able to write (I was actually finding some comfort here) because things are going down fast, and I mean really fast. I’m about to lose control and do something I’d probably regret if I could.

I feel a deep void right now between me and the world. Nothing makes sense, nothing has meaning, nothing has a purpose anymore. I am like a ghost story and I’ll be the eternal haunting that forever resides and yet never lives.

I am sorry for the confusions in this post, but my mind is not right at the moment and I surely can’t right anything that makes any sense at all, meaning I’m probably going insane (if I’m not already).

I’m going to die soon, I’m pretty sure of that. I just don’t know how. All I know is one day something inside me will click and than, it’s done.

All I feel is like I’m traversing the portals of reality right now.

I’ll Remember You

I’ll remember you
Long after this endless summer has gone
I’ll be lonely oh so lonely
Living only to remember you

I’ll remember too
Your voice as soft as the warm summer breeze
Your sweet laughter, mornings after
Ever after, I’ll remember you

To your arms someday I’ll return to stay
Till then I will remember too
Every bright start we made wishes upon
Love me always, promise always
Oooh, you’ll remember too

I’ll remember you

– Elvis Presley –

The truth is that I’ll always remember everything. No relationship has made a mark like this in my heart. It was so intense and strong that it was almost unreal.

I honestly don’t know what to do from now on. My ground was taken away from me and I’m tired of people telling me that I’ll find someone better. I don’t wan’t someone better, I want HER. No one else.

But now it’s gone and I can’t see anything in front of me. I just feel empty and scared. I have no one else in my life: family, friends, all gone. And I find myself alone in this cruel world.

I’ve never been so afraid and it’s killing me. I don’t leave my room, I’ve developed fear of human contact because of how much I’ve been hurt and here in Brazil nothing feels the same as when I was in Japan. The pulsating life I had there is gone now, the marvels and the beauty, all gone.

People say that you never know what might happen in the future, but I know she won’t be back ever again.

But lingering to a small string of hope, I’ll remember you.

Why Does it Hurt so Much?

Wise men say only fools rush in
But I can’t help falling in love with you
Shall I stay
Would it be a sin
If I can’t help falling in love with you

– Elvis Presley –

I’m not entirely sure why we fall in love, what makes the sparks fly, the hearts beat fast, the chemicals in the brain go crazy nor even why one single stare can cause all of this.

Today I’ve awaken with a feeling of sorrow, which I’ve never felt before, an emptiness so deep that I could barely breathe. I tried as hard as I could to understand what was happening to me, and in the end I found out I still love her, even after everything that has happened.

I know we will never get back together again and that tears me apart, but I can’t help falling in love with her. There were too many smiles, too many hugs, too many holding hands, too many kisses and too many good moments. Even the worst moments – as much as I try – cannot erase all of those.

The truth is I suffer in silence because I still love, I still care, I still feel, apart from all the other posts I’ve written before. The feeling is there and it’s strong as hell. It’s like an avalanche.

I kept asking me one question during these past months, just one single question.

Why does it hurt so much?
Because it was real.

Letter – From the Lost Days

Pardon me in advance for the swirls of my mind. 

Once upon a time there was this beautiful Japanese girl. We’ve met in a park called Nakanoshims. Her name was Seika and I instantly fell in love with her. 

It took us two days for our first kiss because both of us were shy. But when it happened the floor beneath my feet vanished. It felt like I didn’t want to be anywhere else but there. 

Our relationship began st that moment and I relieve it every single day of my life. 

Their parents were against our relationship but we didn’t really care back then. We just wanted to be together no matter what. 

We’ve lived together for a few months after she graduated from high school and then one day that dark day came and she left me. 

A million words would not bring you back, I know because I’ve tried. Neither would a million tears, I know because I’ve cried.

– Anonymous –

This is not a letter of hatred, anger or ressentiment. Quite the contrary, it’s a letter of great day gone by. 

This is my letter from the lost days. 

The Symphony of Destruction

As I’ve said, my story will be backwards until when I was young. So, this comes as a follow up to my previous post.

As all of you might know by now I’ve lived and worked in Japan for a period of 4 years (from July, 2012 to November, 2016. During that time I’ve accomplished many things as I’ve lost many things as well; things that I’ll never get back no matter how hard I try.

The most important thing I’ve lost was myself, my essence, my virtues, my qualities, you name it.

To tell you a bit of my story there: I went to Japan married to a Brazilian woman and with my son. Everything seemed so fine until the endless fights and arguments began. She thought I had affairs with all my co-workers (which wasn’t true) and that led to a turmoil inside our home.

This got to a point where there was no turning back and we ended up getting a divorce and subsequently she got back with my son to Brazil and I remained in Japan.

After a while I met this amazing girl who took the breath out of my. She was gorgeous, caring, understood my mental illnesses and most of all she was always there for me.
This relationship was my safe harbor and it gave me a kind of peace I’ve never had before.

We were very happy (at least I thought so) and we kept this relationship going until that fateful night in October when all of a sudden she decided to break up with me and told me many horrible things about me and our relationship and how I’ve made her depressed.

After breaking up with me she decided to date a guy who was supposed to be one of my greatest friends in Japan and that destroyed it all. My heart raced with anger, my mind turned towards vengeance, my soul was broken and I became a bitter and cold person since then.

The destruction these events caused in my life cannot be measured. They tore me apart and ripped all good things from inside of me.

This post leads to The Beginning of the End, since it’s by that time that I decided my clock needed to stop.

This post is my symphony of destruction for those events caused the aforementioned.

Seika, that is a name that will be etched in my mind, heart and soul forever.

The Beginning of the End

This is my first post here so I’ll try to simplify what’s my intention with it. It’s simple, it’s a post-mortem memory for when I’m no longer here, just a glimpse of who I was and what I have gone through.

You might think this is just another attention seeking blogger, but I assure you I’m not. I have no intention of fame, fortune or glory; not even recognition for that matter.

I’ll try as much as I can to write often but I can’t promise since my strength is decreasing fast. But anyway, let’s get started on what I came here to do.

I will make this blog in a reverse time-lapse, starting from today and going back in time.

So today I awoke with the same old deep depression I’ve been used to, with the racing thoughts, stomach pains and that everlasting feeling that I shouldn’t be alive. And yes, I take my medication the way I’m supposed to every single day.

Anyway, I’ve been looking for a new job, since I’m unemployed for quite some time since I came back from Japan (that’s a story for the next post) but with no success at all, even though every single person tells me how amazing my resume is.

I have tried sending my resume to every single company I could find and no response whatsoever; none.

That’s when it clicked me. Why would I need a new job if I won’t be here for much longer?So what do I do right now? I sit and wait for the right moment to come; that sparkling moment when the courage to make the final cut suddenly shows itself. I’m walking through a bridge at the moment, a dilapidated bridge that soon will fall under me feet when I least expect it.

And the thing I hate the most is the condescending people who always say it will get better, that I have to fight through it and live. I hate it because my suffering is my own and nobody else’s, so nobody else can understand the weight I have been carrying for years and years.

I’ll finish this post here for my strength is running low, but before that let me tell you something I’ve forgotten: My name is John, nice to meet you.