13 Reasons Why

You can’t rewrite the past. The past is over.  You cant go back and change it.  You cant take back things that you said, or do things you wish you had.  Once you walk away from an opportunity it is gone.  There is no changing it.  If someone had done what they thought was right in the moment, then the past would not need to be rewritten.

– 13 Reasons Why –

You may wonder about the similarities about my lost tapes and the TV Show 13 Reasons Why. It’s simple, that was my inspiration. However I’m not here to set blame on a bunch of people (although I will now and then) about my death.

Hannah’s story on the show is in no way similar to mine and neither are our lives. That point is clear. I wasn’t abused, bullied or anything like that, although many of my so-called friends turned their backs on me like in her case.

The inspiration came by the simple fact that I want to separate my life into pieces and “the tapes” were the best inspiration of all. I’ve finished watching the show by the way, so no worries about spoilers here.

There are more than 13 reasons why I’ll end my life and there will be more tapes than there are on the show.

13 Reasons Why is for me what Detachment, The Perks of Being a Wallflower or The Silver Linings Playbook were. The reality we live in, where everyone is detached from one another, where nothing makes sense and everything spirals out of control substantially fast.

So, my dear reader, the TV Show has nothing to do with my death. I just thought I should clarify that.


Kisses & Kerosene

In that final look
Does the deer forgive the wolf ?

You’ve stolen my fascination
You’ve amothered my holy addiction

And now I’m soaked in you
Like fat white worms or sad haikus

I woke up
& the world was on the fire

– Otep –

I can’t fall in love. I can’t live the expectations of someone else. I can’t disguise myself like someone else. I’m nothing. In a perfect world, my wish was not to care.

Unfortunately I end up caring and always never being cared in return. There is this same girl again and yes, she’s got my attention, she’s got me in a string. We have similar objectives but different means to achieve it. I can’t get in her way of dealing with her own life and search for something or someone.

She tells me she’s a bad person, however I think the opposite way. Maybe because there are so many similarities to both of us. Everyone is broken in a way and both of us are no exception. But I know that I’ll let her keep living the way it is now and I will bring kisses and kerosene to my feelings so I can watch them burn.

Priscila, that’s her name. And even though she doesn’t get attached to someone online, that’s a name I won’t forget. The only person able to shatter the wall since Seika. The only one to get my interest. There are, however, too many similarities, but many differences as well between us and I will spare her of hating me.

There’s nothing that attaches her to me and it will always be that way. I’m plain, I’m used to being plain and boring. Also we live far apart and have our own issues to be together, which I will not disclose here for the sake of privacy.

My only will for now are the kisses and kerosene.

Hollow Melodies

I speak in verses, prophecies and curses
I speak in verses, prophecies and curses
I hate my life
No miracle is coming (hate you)
It’s just a hole (hate you)
Nothing’s wrong with you (hate you)
Just maintain control (hate you)
Everyone’s asking questions
No place is safe
I’ll forfeit resurrection
To escape the pain
I hate my life
I hate my life- Otep –

There are no miracles coming. No light at the end of the tunnel and I have nothing left to lose. I’ve already lost it all.
The nightmares of her are becoming more vivid each passing day and I always wake up up sweating and with that uncanny feeling that everything was so real. Maybe that’s what they call descending into madness.
I’m having more trouble getting to sleep. I used to sleep around 11:00pm but recently 2:00am is the earliest I can get. And I keep rolling around in bed trying not to think, trying not to racionalize, trying to get rid of her from my mind.
No place is safe anymore for me. I keep thinking of her everywhere I go, while doing anything I’m doing and with whomever I am with. I can’t take it anymore.
I’m starting the final plan, the big departure and I’ve got a great idea from a TV series called 13 Reasons Why. Recording tapes to whom I hold responsible for my death and make sure they’re sent to them after I’m dead.
I will surely make sure everyone knows who’s to blame and what part they had in all this. I’ll keep planning and see what I come up with.
Meanwhile, I hate my life.

Hope of Morning

Some day you will answer
Remember how we were
When all our hopes and dreams
Floated in the air
I feel it in my heart
I can feel you in my heart

That’s the way that it was in the past you remember
When we ran through the wind and the rain
We were young seemed like life would go on last forever

Now everything has changed.

– The Mostar Diving Club –

I’ve recently met a very interesting girl online, kinda like me, with same way of dealing with things and the same way of thinking. It got me confused because I don’t know how to think or feel about this. We live miles apart and that makes it things even more difficult.

Also, I’m not sure she can handle my mood swings and my depression. I’m not even sure she can handle anything about myself at all. I’m scared of opening myself and getting broken once again.

My life is a complete mess and I am embarrassed to drag her into it. I’m embarrassed of myself and what I have become.

Should I give it a chance? I’m not sure yet.

I just hope morning brings more light into this life.

Lost Souls Without a Beat

I can’t help but close my eyes for life
And dream a different ending
That when I wake, I won’t be so exhausted
And I will stop with my pretending
That I’m fine, I’m fine if I can fool myself tonight
And my lie will drown out all of yours

I will not bend until I break, how much can one bruised body take?
Just not enough to silence me, you’re only a memory
I’ll scream these words ’til they come true, then I will think no more of you
Look back on what I’m going through, this isn’t my identity

– Icon For Hire –

The twisting and swirling of my mind keeps on and on. It’s been hard to wake up with any willpower to do anything at all. Just getting up seems like an impossible task. My medication doesn’t seem to be working at all and my mood keeps going all the way down.

I don’t even know what to write anymore, honestly. My mind looks like a dark canvas filled with black paint all over it with no space to draw anything new.

As you all know all of this is part of a process of breaking up with someone I loved, losing my job, moving back to my country and my own problems understanding myself. Since I was a child I used to see myself from above my body and I hated wha I’ve seen and still do. And I don’t know how to change; I’m scared. I wish my parents were here right now. They’d know the right words to say and the right way to point me to.

I’m too damaged, damaged beyond repair most probably and I’m afraid of what I might do soon. Things have only gotten worse and I don’t see a future ahead of me any longer. I’ve completely lost any kind of intention of trying to change things.

I used to have a soul with an electronic beat to it, vibrant and radiant.

Now I’m amongst the lost souls without a beat.

I’ll Remember You

I’ll remember you
Long after this endless summer has gone
I’ll be lonely oh so lonely
Living only to remember you

I’ll remember too
Your voice as soft as the warm summer breeze
Your sweet laughter, mornings after
Ever after, I’ll remember you

To your arms someday I’ll return to stay
Till then I will remember too
Every bright start we made wishes upon
Love me always, promise always
Oooh, you’ll remember too

I’ll remember you

– Elvis Presley –

The truth is that I’ll always remember everything. No relationship has made a mark like this in my heart. It was so intense and strong that it was almost unreal.

I honestly don’t know what to do from now on. My ground was taken away from me and I’m tired of people telling me that I’ll find someone better. I don’t wan’t someone better, I want HER. No one else.

But now it’s gone and I can’t see anything in front of me. I just feel empty and scared. I have no one else in my life: family, friends, all gone. And I find myself alone in this cruel world.

I’ve never been so afraid and it’s killing me. I don’t leave my room, I’ve developed fear of human contact because of how much I’ve been hurt and here in Brazil nothing feels the same as when I was in Japan. The pulsating life I had there is gone now, the marvels and the beauty, all gone.

People say that you never know what might happen in the future, but I know she won’t be back ever again.

But lingering to a small string of hope, I’ll remember you.

Why Does it Hurt so Much?

Wise men say only fools rush in
But I can’t help falling in love with you
Shall I stay
Would it be a sin
If I can’t help falling in love with you

– Elvis Presley –

I’m not entirely sure why we fall in love, what makes the sparks fly, the hearts beat fast, the chemicals in the brain go crazy nor even why one single stare can cause all of this.

Today I’ve awaken with a feeling of sorrow, which I’ve never felt before, an emptiness so deep that I could barely breathe. I tried as hard as I could to understand what was happening to me, and in the end I found out I still love her, even after everything that has happened.

I know we will never get back together again and that tears me apart, but I can’t help falling in love with her. There were too many smiles, too many hugs, too many holding hands, too many kisses and too many good moments. Even the worst moments – as much as I try – cannot erase all of those.

The truth is I suffer in silence because I still love, I still care, I still feel, apart from all the other posts I’ve written before. The feeling is there and it’s strong as hell. It’s like an avalanche.

I kept asking me one question during these past months, just one single question.

Why does it hurt so much?
Because it was real.