Side A – Nightmarish Waltz

Sparkling day [x2]
Things I never said
Some things you never heard
Sparkling day [x2]
Now I wait in vain to see
That there was no message from me

– Elvis Costello –

Hello. Yes, it’s me, John. Still alive and breathing while writing these tapes.

Tape A is pretty much about how I’ve turned from the best to the worst father in the world. It also relates to a part of my marriage.

My ex-wife and I got our baby on October 11th, 2007. His name is Pedro and he has always been the most precious thing in the world to me. Always making me laugh and always being my partner in crime (specially videogames).

He grew up mostly being taken care by me, my mother and my ex-mother-in-law since my ex-wife had to travel a lot because of work (she was a sales representative for pharmaceutical companies) and that made our bond strong, really strong. Everything was about us being together doing what we had to do.

Then on 2013 we’ve all moved to Japan because of a job opportunity I’ve had there. And that was when things started to change. I started to get stressed because of work, my ex-wife was always thinking I had an affair with someone and the arguments started nonstop.

After a few months our marriage was in shambles and divorce was inevitable. However I could and should have taken the process through a different approach and let them both remain in Japan.

However, by then I had already met Seika and I was blinded by everything and decided to proceed with the divorce process. That was my biggest mistake.

After a few years, as you all are well aware, Seika broke up our engagement like I was a dog. She treated me like I never existed in her life.

That’s when I came back to Brazil and since then have been trying to get a new job, a new life and trying to restructure my mind and my heart. No need to say, every effort have been worthless so far.

And the worst part is that because of how sick I am I can’t get closer to my son as I once was and the fact that we were apart for years hasn’t helped as well. That’s destroying me, because no matter how hard I try I don’t know how to change and I’m scared.

I know my son will forget me one day (that’s already happening) and I can’t help it. I can’t offer him anything since I’m completely broke. I have to depend on my two close friends for food so I can live by and that’s also killing me.

I won’t be here for long as things are going and I hope one day he may forgive me for what I’ll soon do to myself and understand how much love was here inside of me.

Meanwhile I keep dancing alone this nightmarish waltz.

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