You lie, silent there before me.
Your tears, they mean nothing to me,
The wind howling at the window,
The love you never gave,
I give to you,
Really don’t deserve it,
But now, there’s nothing you can do.
So sleep, in your only memory of me
– Akira Yamaoka –
This in category-order based on my “Endings and Continuations” category is my last post. This is where you get to know how and when I did it. The day I left this dark world behind me.
This is one of the same and typical days, monotonous and with nothing to do besides keep looking for a job and feeling helpless. But something is different today, I can feel that the emptiness that was there before has completely taken over, it’s overwhelming and it brings me down hard. I can’t breath, I can’t feel my hands nor my feet.
Everything seems to have lost its meaning and sense. There’s nothing left inside me, everything has vanished, all the feelings, the memories, the thoughts, the control over myself.
As best as I can I go to the bathroom hugging the walls and I sit on the cold floor with a knife in my hands. Part of the control over my thoughts come back to me and I let the knife loose and it falls to the floor.
But then it comes back to me all the sad memories. all the sad moments my mind tried to block and I suddenly lose all control again.
I get the knife back, press it against my wrist skin as it turns porcelain white, but I keep hesitating for some reason. Until the overwhelming emptiness comes back again. I press the knife harder until the skin breaks loose and drops of blood start to spill.
My mind goes out of control and I start a vertical cut and it the red line grows in length, until it’s good enough.
Then as best as I can I start the same process on my other wrist, although my right arm is getting numb and weak by the second. I eventually manage to make the second vertical line, this time on my right wrist.
What I feel for the next few minutes is my heartbeat. I can feel and hear it as loud as a drum. Then comes the numbness of my extremities. I can’t feel my hands or feet.
The next feeling is the sense of fading away (as when we are getting extremely sleepy) and I start to black out and lose completely control of my body. I’m just standing there, still, motionless, without any sign of reaction.
And then comes the moment my mind is simply not there anymore, my body lies lifeless over a giant pool of red blood. This is how I die.
You may be wondering when it happens. Well, suffice to say it’s before the beginning of May, 2017. No one will know, except me, because I want it to be a surprise. A last magic trick by me, my only self.
I was just getting into the depths of my self-discovery when I completely lost control over everything.
There will be a few posts chronologically after this that will deal with the people directly and indirectly responsible for my death. Everyone will be held accountable, name by name.
Farewell and I hope you have gotten yourself a bit of experience by reading the story of what my life was.