In your mind’s eye lives a memory
Hard to find, blinded by sorrow
And a strange voice sings a melody
Hear it sing, hell frozen rain falls down
Everything is wrong
This is not my home, is it?
Do I know your face?
Does my mind wish to forget?
A toast to lonely souls
Who never could take control of life
And all the missing we love
I hope the darkness they find will give them light
– Akira Yamaoka –
I’ve been struggling with my life lately and you (if you’ve been following my posts) must know about it. But my struggles started long, long ago, when I was just a teenager. After losing both Laura and Julia it seems something has cracked inside my heart. I’ve never felt the same again and still don’t.
I’ve found out after my sudden breakup with my first love that I suffered from depression and that’s when this carrousel of nightmares has begun. Nothing could keep my mood in order, no medication, no therapy, no friendship, nothing.
I’ve started losing control of my life at that exact time. And it has molded me the way I am now: deep depressed, self-destructive and suicidal.
There were two events that culminated on the worsen of my state. The death of both my parents. I’m a lonely child and I had to carry the weight of their coffins when I was too young to bare it.
The only good thing in the amidst of all this chaos was the birth of my baby boy, Pedro. He is the only light that keeps shinning amongst so much darkness inside my soul. The day he was born my mother was still alive (she died when he was around 4 years old) and I could see the happiness in her eyes and my life suddenly was filled with joy just by holding him.
My father never got to know him. He has died months before my son was born, on December 16, 2006. My son was born on October 11, 2007.
But I can’t even be a good father right now. I’m so sick, so tired, so broken, but I’ll touch on that subject in another post.
My parents’ deaths had an astronomic impact on me, since my family and I never got along very well. My mother was the one who kept everything in line and held everything together.
Now you know a bit more about the man behind the screen, there’s no mask to be wore by me here because I have nothing left to lose.
These are some of the shattered memories of my life.