Life it seems to fade away
Drifting further everyday
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free
– Metallica –
I’m here in this monotone and monochrome night, starring at the sky, the moon shinning high and my life passes in front of me as if in a movie. The flashbacks of days and people gone by slicing my soul and bringing tears to my eyes again.
I’ve grown and became an adult. Oh, how I miss my childhood years, when everything was so simple and the joy was everywhere to be found. The truth and honesty of friendships, the games we used to play, the hide and seek, the laughter and the sparkles that came with them. But I’m an adult now and those days are gone now, so are the joy, the friendships, the laughters. And the sparkles ceased to exist.
Sitting here while I stare at my notebook screen I wonder what is the purpose of still being here, the purpose of existing still. Is it love? Is it hope? Is it faith? I don’t know what still holds me onto this life otherwise I would have already cut through it to end it all. I simply don’t know what keeps me going. Maybe it’s the fear of what’s to come after I’m gone. Will I just disappear? Is there another life? Am I going to hell? Will I meet God Himself at last to sort my life out?
I can only state the obvious, I’m sad, but the kind of sadness I’ve never felt before. This is a first timer. It’s rooted in my heart and won’t let go no matter what. I can’t sleep, I have nothing else to do besides writing this and this feeling of anguish is becoming overwhelming.
There was a girl I used to know when I was little, her name was Laura. I can still remember us playing games together. Her long black hair waving across the wind, her bright and beautiful light brown eyes shinning when she finally caught me on hide and seek. We weren’t exactly the first lovers of each other (many thought of us that way though), but I can assure we were the very best friends one could wish for life.
Then one day I was transferred from schools and we never met again.
I still remember many years later my mother sitting in my bed and telling me: ” Son, I’m so sorry but you remember Laura, right? Unfortunately she has passed away. I’m so sorry.”. Apparently she had leukemia and lost her battle to it when she was 13. Oh, how I miss Laura’s smile right now.
I don’t even know where she is buried so I could at least bring her some flowers on days like these, when the moon refuses to stop shinning and missing her seems unbearable.
This is my memory. My memory of Laura.