I can’t help but close my eyes for life
And dream a different ending
That when I wake, I won’t be so exhausted
And I will stop with my pretending
That I’m fine, I’m fine if I can fool myself tonight
And my lie will drown out all of yours
I will not bend until I break, how much can one bruised body take?
Just not enough to silence me, you’re only a memory
I’ll scream these words ’til they come true, then I will think no more of you
Look back on what I’m going through, this isn’t my identity
– Icon For Hire –
The twisting and swirling of my mind keeps on and on. It’s been hard to wake up with any willpower to do anything at all. Just getting up seems like an impossible task. My medication doesn’t seem to be working at all and my mood keeps going all the way down.
I don’t even know what to write anymore, honestly. My mind looks like a dark canvas filled with black paint all over it with no space to draw anything new.
As you all know all of this is part of a process of breaking up with someone I loved, losing my job, moving back to my country and my own problems understanding myself. Since I was a child I used to see myself from above my body and I hated wha I’ve seen and still do. And I don’t know how to change; I’m scared. I wish my parents were here right now. They’d know the right words to say and the right way to point me to.
I’m too damaged, damaged beyond repair most probably and I’m afraid of what I might do soon. Things have only gotten worse and I don’t see a future ahead of me any longer. I’ve completely lost any kind of intention of trying to change things.
I used to have a soul with an electronic beat to it, vibrant and radiant.
Now I’m amongst the lost souls without a beat.