Side A – My Dear Reader

Save me from losing myself
I’m hanging on by a thread
Can you see who I am
Underneath my scars
I’m afraid to fall
So I’m holding on to you
No I won’t let go
I’m hanging on by a thread

– The Black Letter –

Now, this is for you, yes, you, who is reading this blog; who has accompanied my posts through these tapes. We don’t know each other, far from that, but have you tried anything to stop me? Have you said anything?

No, because you might think I’m an attention seeker, or that this is a fictional blog or even that I’m just mentally ill. But has mankind got to the point where someone talks about taking their own lives and we take no action? Have we gotten this far down the sink?

I don’t blame you. You all have your own problems to sort through on a daily basis, so trying to help another soul would take too much effort and too much time. I wish you could have done something, though. I’ve always wanted to make new friends, people that would really care about knowing me and not judge me. I was always eager to read a kind word from someone, like I was trying to hold to a rope while falling down this abyss.

But there are no ropes left, no words said or written and no expectations.

I will soon be gone, I’ll die alone and nothing would have been done about it.

My dear readers, live happily and try to make this world a better place for each other.

Side B – Numb

Don’t wanna hear the news
What’s going on
What’s coming through
I don’t wanna know
don’t wanna know
Just wanna hide away
make my escape
I want the world
to leave me alone
Feels like I feel too much
I’ve seen too much
For a little while
I want to forget

I wanna be numb
I don’t wanna feel this pain no more
Wanna lose touch
I just wanna go and lock the door
I don’t wanna think
I don’t wanna feel nothing
I wanna be numb
I just wanna be
wanna be numb

– Pet Shop Boys –

I wish I could feel numb, completely numb and feel nothing at all about this world. This would be a great gift.

I’ve once dreamed of finding a nice girl, having a great relationship and having a happy family for the rest of my life. But apparently the nice girls all have someone already and having a relationship these days seems an unbearable task to undertake.

The perfect example would be from my favorite movie “One Day”. I’d like a simple girl like that, without the madness of many women these days, who wishes what she can for the moment and doesn’t give up on a dream, even if it takes baby steps to achieve it.

That movie portrayed the perfect woman I wished in my life. But there’s so such woman outside the movies these days. Make no mistake, this is not only about women. Men are no better nowadays. I’m an exception for men these days, I like to be romantic, caring and help my partner however I can, even if it’s just by cooking dinner or helping doing the laundry.

There won’t be any more relationships for me since I won’t be here to try and have another go.

For now I just wish I could be numb.

Side A – Indefinite Leave to Remain

“I’m all alone again”

I walked into the room
Imagine my surprise
You were sitting close to him
Staring in each other’s eyes

Each of you looked up
But no one said a word
I felt I should apologise
For what I hadn’t heard

A silence filled the room
Awkward as an elephant
In the crowded court of your love
I was now a supplicant

And clumsy as I felt
At stumbling on this theft
To save further embarrassment
I made my excuses and left

So long ago
I felt like such a fool
For crying
All that I know
Is when you feel inside
You’re dying
It all begins again
Defying
Your excuses

– Pet Shop Boys –

I don’t know which comes first, the pain of being betrayed or being dumped like trash. Both are equally painful and cause a lost of mess and breaking downs.

My life these past 6 months have been a hell, a nightmare I don’t wish for my worst enemy. The disillusion of a lost relationship you’ve put so much effort in, the heartbreak of a betrayal and the dwelling into the deepest well of depression. It’s killing me slowly anyway, so that’s why I’d rather go while I’m still conscious.

Even being too young to understand, Seika was my rock, the thing that kept me from falling from the edge of the world. Of course my son was my rock as well, but I wouldn’t be able to talk to him about what was going on with his father since he’s too young to understand most aspects of adulthood.

Today is one of those days that the clouds refuse to let the sun shine, a perfect day for an ending, but still, it won’t be today yet. Not today.

My depression is worsening and no medication seem to help in any way. Therapists have a long waiting list and I’d probably be scheduled 6 months from now, which would be too late.

I can’t control my sobbing anymore, when I go to bed and just lie down and cry, feeling the whole world has abandoned me. I have nothing left to lose, it’s just the simple fact of writing these lost tapes that keeps me going. I need to finish these before I go, it’s my sole duty.

I wish my body would just give up once and for all, but for some awful fate it refuses to give up.

It feels I have an indefinite leave to remain, which gives me the chills.

Side B – Half a Year

There she goes in front of me
Take my life and set me free again
We’ll make a memory out of it
Holy road is at my back
Don’t look on, take me back again
We’ll make a memory out of it

We finally fall apart and we break each other’s hearts
If we wanna live young, love, we better start today

It’s gotta get easier, oh easier somehow
‘Cause I’m falling, I’m falling
Oh easier and easier somehow
Oh I’m calling, I’m calling
And it isn’t over, unless it is over
I don’t wanna wait for that
It’s gotta get easier and easier somehow
But not today
Not today

– Imagine Dragons –

It’s been half a year you’ve left me for someone else, Seika. It should be getting easier somehow, but it isn’t. It’s only getting harder to hold myself together.

This is one of those times I try not to blame you for anything but everything that comes out of my mouth are accusations, so I’m trying real hard here not to blame you for anything.

It’s been half a year and I still can’t understand how someone can leave someone else in a snap of a finger and be with someone else practically the next minute. It must be easier for you to do this. I just can’t, my heart wouldn’t allow me to hurt someone this way.

The worst part of it all is that I know I’m the only one who still has some memory of our relationship. Because that’s the way you are, you move on like a train and simply leave all the destruction behind without caring about the consequences. And in our case the consequences are too big for you to handle and also you can’t pull the breaks anymore.

Don’t look away, picture my face, picture me in front of you as you read through all these texts because I want you to know what you really have caused. It’s gonna get easier to live with the idea I’ve killed myself and you had the biggest part on it, but it’s gonna get easier, it’s gonna get easier somehow, but not today.

You were once my angel, today you’re my demon. The one who’s gonna get me away from this world. Once there was an angel, but this angel has fallen.

Yeah, half a year is such a long time.

Side A – Ana’s Singularity

We’ve been searching for so long
To find the place where we could belong
We always dreamed of better things to come
And turned our faces towards the sun
We follow the light that we see in the dark
And keep on going till it catches spark
I believe there’s a change to come
We’ll never know if we never run

And all the signs are surfacing
Now again on the winding road

Don’t turn around we’re going one way
The time is right we’re going home
And now you’re in my mind always
Forever young and forever on

– Emma Hewitt –

Ana Paula, one of the names that brings a turmoil of feelings. I was with my school trip and I guess I was around 16 or almost 17 at that time. We’ve met by accident in a theme park here in São Paulo and by a leap of faith I gave her a teddy bear she thought was cute.

We lived in different cities, far away from each other and before we’ve left I managed to get one single kiss and her phone number.

Oh, how great were the conversations over the phone! They were about everything and nothing at all. There was nothing we wouldn’t talk about. But there was a problem; the phone bills were getting too expensive and so my parents decided to block phone calls to outside my city area.

That’s when we’ve lost contact. It tore my heart apart. I’ve lost not only my only confident but the woman I was getting in love with. After that my teenage years changed dramatically, and not for the better.

I was lost without those calls, without that voice, without the feeling of someone wanting to really talk to me and understand how I felt.

Many years later, with the advent of Facebook we’ve found each other again, both married, still living in different and far away cities but the conversations weren’t the same anymore. Each of us had parted ways and lived a different life of that which could have been.

Some more years passed and we’re both divorced, the conversations start again, but somethings have changed. She believes in me, she trusts I can get better, but I don’t. I like her too much and I don’t want to talk to her about this emptiness and sorrow I’ve been holding. I want her to be happy, because it seems she’s being happy.

I wish I could turn back time on those teenage conversations and keep them going. Maybe things would have been different in my life and maybe, just maybe, I would believe I could be saved.

She’s a very special person and one of a kind. Always there, even when it doesn’t look like it, she’s keeping an eye on me.

I wish I was there with her, I wish I believed in my salvation as she does, I wish I could be the one for her. I want her to remember the one I used to be, not what I’ve become.

I know today she was the one. The right one. But unfortunately there’s nothing left for me to do about it anymore. 

But you know, no matter what happens, there will always be something about her, a singularity of some sort.

Side B – Forgotten

Don’t remember the night,
The burn of your eyes,
The moment I first knew you were mine.

You made me fall,
I just can’t recall,
The beginning and how you stole it all.

Oh I never thought someone could kill my soul.
You held me in your arms as I let you go,
And now I’m all alone.

– Valora –

I, like many other memories will soon be forgotten. I will be just a glimpse of what once existed and is no longer here.

You will not remember my face after some time, nor my voice, my personality, my way of speaking, not even my name most probably. You’ll see a new Facebook memorial for someone who’s not there anymore and that’s it, your lives will move on and things will go back to normal.

The shock of one committing suicide will be of a great impact at first, of course, but that too will soon fade away.

If I haven’t mentioned any names, have no doubt, I do this to preserve your identities and whatever impact you might have had on what’s to come. There won’t be any names in this tape.

I also have no feelings of anger, hatred or anything of the sort towards any of you. You had no idea what was going on and how could you? I was always great on hiding my feelings and wearing a mask, Maybe it’s my zodiac sign, Gemini, one face cries and the other laughs. I was the one who decided which to show you all.

To end this tape, I wish you all to have happy and joyful lives. No regrets here, so no worries.

I will soon be forgotten anyway.

Side A – Irreversible

I heard on Monday
I didn’t shed a single tear
Was it anger or just fear
I wish I could have told you
How much I cared and I’d be there

But tears can’t ever bring you back
They only stain

I lost what I loved
You’ll never return
This life’s become so irreversible
My damn tragedy
My eyes how they burn
This life is so irreversible

– Valora –

This tape is dedicated to all the people who’s passed through my life. It’s a token of my memory, a simple remembrance.

All of you had an impact in who I am now and in what my life has become. Some good, some bad, some in small amounts, some huge. The impact was there, nevertheless. And this has to do with what I’m about to do with my life.

You know, there are 4 things in life you can never take back: a word after it’s said, a stone after it’s thrown, an occasion when it’s missed and the time after it’s gone.
I’ve learned those four things during my life and you were all part of that.

I’ve said too many things I regret having said, I’ve thrown many stones I shouldn’t have thrown, I missed many occasions when I shouldn’t have missed and most important of all, I’ve let time go and now it’s gone.

You’re not directly nor indirectly responsible for my death, by any means. I already held the ones responsible for it and will do it with a few more people.

But you just stood by, watching, seeing me self-destructing and haven’t moved a finger to stop it. You haven’t stopped me doing the 4 things I shouldn’t have done. It’s my fault as well, since I am the one who lives my own life, but I considered you (and you all know who you are) to be part of my life and I expected you to stop me from harming myself.

I am now remembering the old days of my life, the inconsequential ones, the pure ones and I regret not having enjoyed them more, to their full extent. I regret not having lived more, more intensively.

You will soon find out I am no longer here and it might come as a bit of a shock to some of you but to others I think you would have already known this day would eventually come.

There’s no morality in death, no passion, no romance, no drama, no showcasing. It’s just an act of fading away, blacking out and stop breathing.

What I see coming in front of me is irreversible.