The Beginning of the End

This is my first post here so I’ll try to simplify what’s my intention with it. It’s simple, it’s a post-mortem memory for when I’m no longer here, just a glimpse of who I was and what I have gone through.

You might think this is just another attention seeking blogger, but I assure you I’m not. I have no intention of fame, fortune or glory; not even recognition for that matter.

I’ll try as much as I can to write often but I can’t promise since my strength is decreasing fast. But anyway, let’s get started on what I came here to do.

I will make this blog in a reverse time-lapse, starting from today and going back in time.

So today I awoke with the same old deep depression I’ve been used to, with the racing thoughts, stomach pains and that everlasting feeling that I shouldn’t be alive. And yes, I take my medication the way I’m supposed to every single day.

Anyway, I’ve been looking for a new job, since I’m unemployed for quite some time since I came back from Japan (that’s a story for the next post) but with no success at all, even though every single person tells me how amazing my resume is.

I have tried sending my resume to every single company I could find and no response whatsoever; none.

That’s when it clicked me. Why would I need a new job if I won’t be here for much longer?So what do I do right now? I sit and wait for the right moment to come; that sparkling moment when the courage to make the final cut suddenly shows itself. I’m walking through a bridge at the moment, a dilapidated bridge that soon will fall under me feet when I least expect it.

And the thing I hate the most is the condescending people who always say it will get better, that I have to fight through it and live. I hate it because my suffering is my own and nobody else’s, so nobody else can understand the weight I have been carrying for years and years.

I’ll finish this post here for my strength is running low, but before that let me tell you something I’ve forgotten: My name is John, nice to meet you.


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