I’ll Remember You

I’ll remember you
Long after this endless summer has gone
I’ll be lonely oh so lonely
Living only to remember you

I’ll remember too
Your voice as soft as the warm summer breeze
Your sweet laughter, mornings after
Ever after, I’ll remember you

To your arms someday I’ll return to stay
Till then I will remember too
Every bright start we made wishes upon
Love me always, promise always
Oooh, you’ll remember too

I’ll remember you

– Elvis Presley –

The truth is that I’ll always remember everything. No relationship has made a mark like this in my heart. It was so intense and strong that it was almost unreal.

I honestly don’t know what to do from now on. My ground was taken away from me and I’m tired of people telling me that I’ll find someone better. I don’t wan’t someone better, I want HER. No one else.

But now it’s gone and I can’t see anything in front of me. I just feel empty and scared. I have no one else in my life: family, friends, all gone. And I find myself alone in this cruel world.

I’ve never been so afraid and it’s killing me. I don’t leave my room, I’ve developed fear of human contact because of how much I’ve been hurt and here in Brazil nothing feels the same as when I was in Japan. The pulsating life I had there is gone now, the marvels and the beauty, all gone.

People say that you never know what might happen in the future, but I know she won’t be back ever again.

But lingering to a small string of hope, I’ll remember you.


Why Does it Hurt so Much?

Wise men say only fools rush in
But I can’t help falling in love with you
Shall I stay
Would it be a sin
If I can’t help falling in love with you

– Elvis Presley –

I’m not entirely sure why we fall in love, what makes the sparks fly, the hearts beat fast, the chemicals in the brain go crazy nor even why one single stare can cause all of this.

Today I’ve awaken with a feeling of sorrow, which I’ve never felt before, an emptiness so deep that I could barely breathe. I tried as hard as I could to understand what was happening to me, and in the end I found out I still love her, even after everything that has happened.

I know we will never get back together again and that tears me apart, but I can’t help falling in love with her. There were too many smiles, too many hugs, too many holding hands, too many kisses and too many good moments. Even the worst moments – as much as I try – cannot erase all of those.

The truth is I suffer in silence because I still love, I still care, I still feel, apart from all the other posts I’ve written before. The feeling is there and it’s strong as hell. It’s like an avalanche.

I kept asking me one question during these past months, just one single question.

Why does it hurt so much?
Because it was real.

Hole in the Sky

Oh yeah, I’ve been here before. I can see it with eyes closed. Shadows that look like blood, dead as far as the mind goes.

Fear that comes from my head, lives in the mirror
Why won’t you let me out? Does the evil excite you?

Haven’t you had enough? Does the feeling control you?
Just when I think I’m okay shadows surround me

All of the monster you are I can feel in my head

Let me out, let me out

No more, I’m through. You win, I’m dead!
You’re sorry, sorry? No you’re a lie!

It’s over, nothing here left alive.

Let me out, let me out
Let me out, let me out, through the hole in the sky

Just Tonight

Just tonight I will stay and well throw it all away. When the light hits your eyes. Its telling me I’m right. And if I, I am through. Then its all because of you. Just tonight

– The Pretty Reckless –

Just tonight I’ll lie and you’ll believe. I’m feeling great, amazing actually; never been better.

Just tonight I’ll pretend I’m not being devoured inside by my anger, hatred, anguish and pain. I’ll fake a smile to everyone I meet while inside I’m being crushed. I’ll tell everyone I’m feeling amazing and that things have gotten much better.

It’s because of you that just tonight I’ll lie and pretend. Because you’ve ripped me apart and don’t deserve any respect from me. You have destroyed my existence and I’ll never forgive you, and more importantly, I’ll never forgive myself for still caring for you.

But all of this will be just for tonight. Tomorrow the apocalypse begins and I’ll take my revenge against this whole screwed world, person by person. I’ll not kill anyone. I’ll do worse, I’ll reap their hopes, dreams and happiness.

Seika, you have no idea the monster I’ve become because of you. And it was you who created this monster. I have no love to spare to anyone, no compassion anymore, not even one single good emotion.

One day I’ll destroy your dreams, illusions, happiness and hopes. Somehow I’ll do it because you don’t deserve any of them. Your soul is worthless and black. But mine became darker than yours. Revenge takes time but it will soon come on my terms.

For now, just tonight.

Breeze – In Monochrome Night

It’s been four days I haven’t eaten anything now. The money is gone and even the will to eat is not there anymore. I’ve lost grasp with reality and all I think about is the end of all things.

If I had made the right choices in the past maybe my life wouldn’t be all messed up right now, but I can’t redo what’s done – it will always be there, lurking in the shadows, waiting for your mind to slip.

Last night I had a dream – it was one of the good ones – that she was with me and we were talking about trivial things and laughing. But as soon as the dream started it ended and I had that uncanny feeling of a vivid dream and found myself looking out for her, but of course she was not here.

And here I am
Watching the clock that’s ticking away my time
I’m too numb to feel right now

– The Pretty Reckless –

I’ve broken many vowels and I know I’m going to hell. I am the person that I hate. Forgive me Father, I didn’t mean to bother you. The devil is inside me Father. He’s inside of everything I do.

Father, did you miss me? Don’t ask me where I’ve been. I’m the redefinition of sin. Maybe I wish I could die. Maybe I am already dead.

Last night there was a cool and gentle breeze. But I was stuck in a monochrome night.

Letter – From the Lost Days

Pardon me in advance for the swirls of my mind. 

Once upon a time there was this beautiful Japanese girl. We’ve met in a park called Nakanoshims. Her name was Seika and I instantly fell in love with her. 

It took us two days for our first kiss because both of us were shy. But when it happened the floor beneath my feet vanished. It felt like I didn’t want to be anywhere else but there. 

Our relationship began st that moment and I relieve it every single day of my life. 

Their parents were against our relationship but we didn’t really care back then. We just wanted to be together no matter what. 

We’ve lived together for a few months after she graduated from high school and then one day that dark day came and she left me. 

A million words would not bring you back, I know because I’ve tried. Neither would a million tears, I know because I’ve cried.

– Anonymous –

This is not a letter of hatred, anger or ressentiment. Quite the contrary, it’s a letter of great day gone by. 

This is my letter from the lost days. 

You’re Not Here

Today I’ve made a big mistake. I’ve created a fake Facebook account to check my ex Japanese girlfriend. I can’t describe the feelings I’ve had the minute I saw her picture there. Nad it tore my heart apart when I’ve seen the status “In a serious relationship”.

I know we’re not supposed to mess with the past, but sometimes our minds are fragile and succumb to this ravenous impulse of doing something. And that’s exactly what I did. The wound that was starting to heal teared opened again and my mind is a complete mess right now.

I have not more tears to cry, only this huge pain in my chest that resists to leave. And I curl in my bed wishing everything was different and I could go back in time, but it’s just a thought of a crazy person.

“It hurts to breathe. It hurts to live. I hate her, yet I do not think I can exist without her.”

– Charlotte Featherstone –

I should have left the past go and forget everything that once happened, even the good moments. I screwed up and now I’m stuck in this limbo without knowing what to do or how to feel.

All I know for sure is: You’re Not Here